Wednesday, September 9, 2015

September 10

This month turns out to be suicide awareness month.
The tenth is suicide prevention day.

So that gets super emotional for me.
Last week we finally got John's death certificate. A week before I messaged my friend and asked her what she thought the cause of death would be.

"It's going to say suicide."

They called me to come pick it up and I went after my last day of work at that job. I picked it up and they knew who I was when I walked in. They asked if I wanted water or if I wanted to sit for a bit. I said no and took it and walked out to my car.
I probably should have taken that water bottle.
It's surprising to have a cause of death.

Today at school my daughter came to find me and she was crying because she missed her dad. I was so glad to be there with her. She sat with me at lunch then was able to go back. 

The thing is she isn't over him dying. Most people get over you dying because they can't be constantly sad about death. We also can't constantly save each other from suicide. Every now and then I think about how I probably shouldn't have gotten married or some of the mistakes I've made in life. We are all doing our best. John's family worked really hard to help him. My kids wanted their dad all the time. I wish I could have helped him. I'm upset about a lot of the things he did before he died. People who lose all hope hurt a lot of people.
I was super upset he didn't tell me about some stupid doctors bills that he failed to pay a month before he died. I guess he lost his temper and was yelling at them. That's not always something we think about supporting as suicide prevention. Not everyone is reaching out for help sometimes they lash out in anger and hurt people.

I don't know everything about suicide prevention. I've had friends that have helped me through really dark times. One time in college I remember meeting a girl who had a lot of life trauma and she was a cutter. She was in and out of the hospital and one night she came over and we helped her clean up her cuts so they wouldn't get infected. Life was heavy for her. It gets heavy for a lot of people and sometimes it's too much. For some it's too much over and over.  We can lift each other up. We won't always succeed. I don't have a ton of knowledge about suicide prevention. I wish we could all find a way to lift each other and find energy. The people who support you the most will be the people who know what it's like to struggle. I would say I can always be there for you. But I can't. I will try to be there for you. We are not limitless. 
When I think about suicide prevention I think about not telling someone they are strong. We aren't all strong enough. We aren't all able to do it on our own. We aren't all going to have one hard time and then move on. Sometimes we stumble forward through darkness. 

September 10.
Hopefully you can see how important you are to other people.
Hopefully somewhere inside of you strength will appear.
Hopefully you will decide to keep moving through darkness.

Hopefully we can catch each other when we fall.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so very sorry for your loss and everything you've gone through. Thank you for being brave enough to share you struggles with us all. I'm confident that it will make a difference for somebody in need.


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