Wednesday, May 27, 2015

What to say to an ex spouse.

People have been super nice including family and friends. so I thought of a list of things not to say. because that makes sense.

Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing.  Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.

2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.

3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you.  I hope it doesn't though.

4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person.  I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.

5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now?  Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.

6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.

7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.

8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.

9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life

10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?

11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.

12. That's crazy.
got that memo

13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.

14.  You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.

15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.

16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.

Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.

2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.

3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome

4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.

5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.

6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.

7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.

8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.

9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.

10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.

11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.

12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.

13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme.
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.

15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.

16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.

My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.


  1. Hi Janae, just wanted you to know that I am thinking about and praying for you and your beautiful children. I think you are an amazing mother. I wish I was closer so I could fold socks for you, make you dinner and we could go photographing together like the old days in all those gorgeous canyons I see on your feed. Or better yet some Christopher Wren churches in London. ❤️💗❤️

    1. I do miss those days! we should go explore again.

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