Bluffing.

So John died this week.
I'm surprised how much of a mess I am.

One of the things that has happened that has been the most hard is people messaging me with memories and seeing the pictures of John to send to people. When we got divorced I felt like my soul was being torn in half and I was surprised how cruel some people were to me. Also about three weeks ago John started sort of messaging me crazy stuff. Like- I love you forever and I wish we could talk one last time and I was like- stop what you are doing.
When John and I were dating we talked about having kids and career stuff. He told me one of the things he really liked about me was that if something happened to him I would be able to take care of things. We decided we wanted one person home with the kids and wanted to acknowledge that in terms of bang for your buck it makes more sense for a guy to work since they earn more for the same work. Plus John had a strong need to provide.
"but what will happen if one day I get in an accident and you have to work?"
he asked
"we'll be RICH!!!"
I mean I was joking around but it's weird how those are the things that you remember when those things actually happen. This whole time I've been working I was thinking about my promise to John that we will be rich. I was going to school for some time and then Danielle started really struggling and I decided I need to be with my kids. I've been promoted three times at work in less than three years. I didn't actually think I would be able to take care of the kids alone or feel like I was a capable mom at any point. I mean it's flattering when someone seems to believe in you but I wondered why in the world that would be a factor for someone in choosing whom they marry- but then plan for them to be a stay at home parent. And hearing you could really go through stuff and be strong isn't exactly what every girl is dreaming to hear.
It's like how when I date people and I ask what they want in a relationship and they say "I just want someone who makes me laugh every day" and I'm like- SWEET! I'M HILARIOUS AND EVERY GUY CARES TONS ABOUT THAT!!!!!
oh wait. No guy. No guy says that. ever.
I feel a lot of pressure. All the feelings. I don't feel like I can actually make good on my promise most days. I was bluffing. I mean realistically I still feel like I'm bluffing. I'm like- yeah sure no big deal here. OH WAIT THIS TIME IT IS A BIG DEAL.

So we will be rich.