Bucket List.

Hello pink helmet. I love you.

Guys I have to tell you that I am GOOD at resolutions and goals
I also have clinical depression.
Let's go over some of my successes with resolutions
2 years ago new years resolution- COOK.
owned the crap out of that one. I cooked MORE THAN ONCE that year.
Last year- Do MY HAIR
not only did I do my hair once- for some of the year I had a progressive goal where my hair was done several times a week. Now Carla at work helps me braid my hair and I rock the day after braid wavy hair and people think I have naturally wavy hair which I DO NOT but my new years resolution has rocked.
This year- Wear Makeup. Not as much a goal honestly but I have finished this goal.

One of the reasons I thought about the goals recently was that a friend of mine messaged me that he was going through a bad divorce and his wife cheated on him and he knew that I had gone through some tough times but looked pretty healthy. Someone told me it looked like I landed on my feet and I almost choked with shock. I did not land on my feet. My friends and family dragged my ass up and I'm stumbling forward with very little grace.
I try to think about what the ideal me would do- about what a healthy person would do in my circumstances. Then I visualize that and when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning I do that. I take a picture and post it online. So I am literally getting out of bed so I can post that picture and look like I am loving my life. I did that in my divorce. I wanted to die and stop existing so I finally thought to myself- I wonder what all the happy people are doing. If I can shape my actions after what they are doing then one day I will wake up and it will be real- I will be a happy person. I think patterns shape us just like ritual shapes us in religion. We practice the patterns that we need to shape our humanity. When I was really depressed I would go running and just count to 100 over and over again so I didn't just think about dying.

Most of the people (all) that read this know that I have had post partum depression and dealt with depression since my divorce. (Hi [ex but whatever] sister in law I'm still friends with and you read my blog you've probably already heard this story and I LOVE YOUR GUTS!) The other day I got really bad again and started thinking about my fall back methods on dealing with it. I suddenly woke up and I was like- what happened to me I don't know if I can do this anymore? I had been doing pretty well for a long time so it surprised me. My friends came and helped and I went back to- get out of bed. care for children. be alive. don't be horrible to people.
Then yesterday I went to counseling LIKE A BOSS and she asked me what I do when I'm struggling with depression. I told her about my patterning- that I write down the things that the ideal me would do then I do them. Maybe I post a picture online or check them off my list.  I PASSED COUNSELING. no one tell me that it isn't pass fail because if you don't think it is- newsflash- you are failing counseling.  I was happy she told me that's a healthy coping mechanism. I knew Pinterest was part of the secret of life!
It's what I told my friend. Write down specifically who you want to be and imagine what that person would do. Do those things. Fake it some more and then post a picture and be happy about it.
My goals are part of my list. I will do these things. One day you will wake up and be the person you wanted to be. But then she will slip away and you will have to remake her again. Keep making the list. Keep getting up. Even if you don't want to.

I like to focus on goals that are specific but also nebulous. Once and done or ongoing- you decide. Today I noticed on my Timehop app that I put on my bucket list to learn how to swim. And guess what? ten billion dollars of lessons later and a horrible affliction of eczema and I know how to swim.  With my face in the water. I also know a LOT about lotion options. I signed up for a triathlon and the other day I was talking to somewhat more legitimate real life athletes with beautiful perfect swimming bodies and instagram accounts full of fit pregnancy photos and I was like- dude. If I can swim at all and not die- I'm pretty much my own hero.
You know- I keep my goals realistic. I finished my first triathlon. I didn't really try to go fast is that bad? I realized I was just out there biking on some joy ride when people asked me my time. I was like- wait I was supposed to be telling you my time? BECAUSE I SWAM AND DIDN'T DIE PEOPLE. Everyone outside my life is like- dude you are hardcore and triathlon people are like- why are you here? and I'm like- hey look at my pink bike helmet doesn't it rock?
I don't know if I really like triathlons. I signed up for a half ironman for secret personal reasons and now I don't know if I'm going to finish or want to do it even or why I'm even there but I have this training plan and I like checking things off my list. I still like just riding my bike for fun and I still like walking sometimes when I run but I'm sort of having a blast here.
I feel proud of myself for doing well with my goals. The other day I was talking to someone who qualified for Boston and I was like- maybe I want to do that someday even though I've only done a half marathon in under 2 hours once and I am NOT a talented runner. I started running because I was so bad at it that I figured if I could learn to run I could conquer anything in my life.

I can do this whole Ironman thing- I think I need more time then I feel like I should be spending more time with my kids. The IRONMAN PEOPLE ARE HARDCORE. I also frequently don't want to get out of bed at all. My life wasn't what I planned and some days I miss being with my kids and start to resent not having what I wanted. This should not be happening. My kids should have two parents that are involved. I should have gone to advanced schooling programs when they were available. I should have my kids in more lessons. I should still have my house. I shouldn't still struggle with depression I should be over it by now. I should also have a better body and work on that more...
Then I throw those things away and get out my pinterest checklist.
In the end I can swim. I never thought I would want to learn how to do that and it's amazing how many people have helped me and how I can still be proud of myself for little accomplishments no one else can see.
Plus I have an adorable Pink helmet.
Just wanted to say. Check- one more thing on the list.