Monday, July 18, 2016

Life Update

Over a year ago my friend Robyn told me things would get harder before they got easier. I didn't understand what she meant. Things really did get harder though. This was one of the hardest years of my life and I'm still not even sure why or how. 
A year came and went from the time John died and I was going to post about it but I didn't get out of bed much that day then I didn't have anything meaningful to say. I reopened my etsy shop last week. Because yeah and uniforms. Decided to start selling cookies online. Working with Referring to Solutionreach (patient communication for Dentists and doctors). Teaching German classes and raising money for teachers.  Taking Plexus (ask me- it's  Probiotic). Doing triathlon. Yoga. Friends. 
There's the update.
I don't have a computer right now and I don't have any debt except kids medical stuff but I'm not buying one. I have so many awesome people that have been there for me. Sometimes I'm very angry. Angry that they didn't give me the life insurance so I could take some time off to be with the kids. Angry at his family. Angry at people who get more support when someone dies. Angry that I didn't get the back owed child support or that he couldn't stick around and try to help provide for the kids. Angry that they didn't have a memorial scholarship for my kids to have for their dad. Angry at people who ask why I'm not remarried yet. 

Lake Jenny
Then I'm normal. Sort of like the tide going out and I don't really notice anything. Sometimes I want to go to all the national parks with my kids and homeschool for a year. Then I realize I have a lot of stuff and I need to pay rent. Sometimes I want someone to rescue me. Sometimes I have nightmares about my divorce or John trying to apologize to me. Right before he died he was acting strange and saying he just wanted things to be how they were before one more time and I told him we needed to find a way to parent together and part of that would be him not talking about emotional stuff. Ever. 
I also sometimes miss my old life where I was super naive. 

Someone said they really believe things happen for a reason. She happened to be someone that sort of just saw through my soul from the minute she saw me. Things fell apart for me. I left my sales job I didn't think I could keep up. I am changing teaching jobs. My kids- things have been hard for them. I still don't know how or when to tell them. 

I remember from my divorce moving from being a stay at home mom to being self reliant. Things come together for me. Things are coming together for me now. I'm moving to teach at a school with better health insurance which is a must for my kiddos. John's family paid for Andrews daycare which let me work and was totally awesome.
Heather! she is a fantastic friend. 

I'm getting more connected with the suicide prevention community. Like I'm involved in some really awesome projects in healthcare. Thrilling. Trying to look at options that create a lasting reduction and more support for families. I've been resentful about people who have had support and sometimes I've tried to support more people. I've met people who have made it through really hard stuff and made a difference. It's all about remembering the part that keeps going and the part of you that is designed to survive. We all move forward with wounds. It's exciting to look at how we can use those to help others in their journey.
St George 70.3 super cold
BAM outfit! and the POC sunglasses I lost. I WISH I HAD THESE SUNGLASSES AGAIN.

Sally. Who knows all my secrets somehow ;)

I never wear makeup.

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