Saturday, July 18, 2015

Social Security

Today I took my daughter to a triathlon and someone asked me if my husband was racing that day and I said I was divorced but then I was like- yeah it's still appropriate for me to say divorced not that he's dead right? because I'm not a widow.. Weird. Either way we quickly changed the subject since she probably didn't actually care about the absent racing husband she was just being friendly.

When I went to social security it turns out john was working since our divorce and earning money.
so he wasn't paying for other reasons and I'm just so tired of drama.
No one is doing probate for him or they just aren't telling me anything and I want to scream about it. I don't want to have to get an attorney to find answers. When John died I was suing him for contempt because he would never turn over his earnings which makes sense because he was lying to ORS and me based on the information the IRS had.

I want to punch people that I worked so hard and someone could just lie so much. Then my friend says to walk away. I want to be one of those people who just has that walk away attitude and doesn't ruminate on things.
Except I'm not good at pretending things don't exist or pretending I didn't do something. I want to have some glorious release and leave it up to Karma which I KNOW catches up to people. The only person you are hurting when you hold on to hurt is yourself. except when people are actually doing things that you can get a court order against like when John wouldn't pay and almost went to jail. Then he started paying through voluntary garnishment. I mean in some cases people can't just ignore their problems and hide like cowards. In other cases you should just let it go and not beat something to death. Or try to get sympathy from strangers on the internet since even if they don't know what happened to you- in the end they don't actually care a ton because they have their own problems to worry about.

I've always sort of thought if you care enough to whine about something you should care enough to do something about it. At the same time I don't like fighting with people or talking about my feelings.  being surprised that someone who was super mentally ill wasn't able to manage paying for his kids is illogical. He had huge issues but I'm over here still upset that I've had to fight so hard and don't feel like people saw that. Like when people posted that he loved his kids and I wanted to punch them. It's not about whether he loved them it's about me feeling like things weren't fair.

so over I went to the social security office. I didn't feel well since I had a car accident the day before. The guy kept talking to me because he was super friendly but I was a little emotional overwhelmed I didn't want to get to know someone while we were talking about if my ex husband had any other children. uhhh I don't think so. yeah let's talk about other stuff and all the people who come in and their estate planner tells them how much they will get. Also ex wife survivor benefits seem pretty intense. Like this is all a little intense for me I didn't want my life to be turned upside down. I've lost faith in humanity a little this year and also seen some awesome people. They showed me his SS earnings of the past little while and told me what I would get.
and i will really get it. like reliably. for the first time since John moved out I know what to expect. Less than what he would have paid but it's so strange to just know. I like closure and I like knowing. It would be nice to know if john had any money in his bank or where the hell he was working the last few years. We didn't talk though.

Pick your battles wisely, like you decide if you say the children's dad is dead or just leave it at divorced.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Strava Cookie Sunday

So this week I have written like 5 posts and deleted them. Mostly thinking about the perfect candidate for a newlywed Blog. I would KILL at writing newlywed blog posts. Like my advice would save the freaking world. Maybe I'll have rotating new husbands. This is the best thing ever. So many marriage pinterest boards.
As it is I decided it was finally time to learn how to do royal icing and made Strava cookies this week.

I had a shortbread recipe I just didn't do any sort of topping. I put them in the pan and dusted them with flour and used my silicone rolling pin to make sure they were even on the pan. used a spatula to even out the edges as well. I've tried a few shortbread recipes and my friend Laura has the best one. shortbread is dangerous- we've all had those stupid Christmas cookies with the giant sanding sugar that sort of taste good and then BAAM I've eaten an entire tin of cookies.

the only thing is- I'm not really great at making royal icing. I want a pastry bag I think. I googled the recipe for royal icing and picked one to mess with. Here's how I made it
2 medium egg whites
2.5 cups powdered sugar
1 tsp water
1/4 tsp vanilla

mix well. it seemed pretty fluid. I put my frosting in a plastic bag with a tiny hole cut in the corner. my first hole was too big. I learned a lot since this was my first project- like i should have had a tiny bit more water an traced the pattern I wanted then used a thinner filler.  

I'm pretty sure I'll be working on this more. These cookies are about the size of a post it note deck. You should always cut the shortbread as soon as it comes out of the oven so it's easy to cut and nice. I think if you use a hot knife you can still have a crisp edge. I used my Shun knives.

In other news I've really felt lucky lately. I have great friends and it's great to meet people who are respectful and value each other. I'm shocked at how some people act and I just don't think I could live with that kind of Karma on my back. Probably just naive of me.
If I'm not careful I'll turn into one of the everything happens for a reason people.

Monday, July 6, 2015

I will give away all my sins to know thee

So I used to write a post every Sunday about church and stuff.  You should look at them they are great. Then I sort of started writing about Cookies. Because I'm not ultra creative at thinking of new ideas for active religion for children ages 8 and under I'll just stick with baking cookies every week. It was a rare case of me starting something that wasn't part of my extensive New Years Resolution plan.

Which I decided to revisit this Sunday by looking around my house and noticing that I had not gotten rid of things I wasn't using like I meant to. So I started that process. My friend said just to get rid of anything that I hadn't used in a year. Well THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE WHO CAN DO THAT? certainly no one who has ever quilted in their lives. Or anyone that has a deep and abiding love of power tools and paper products.

Today I was out hiking again because I was having a hard day. I think when things get hard I go to the mountains and keep going until everything sort of washes out of me. I think about religion when I'm in the mountains.  I have conversations I'm never going to have in person. Today I thought about talking to John and our last phone conversation.  He kept saying he was sorry and I asked him to stop. Then he got mad because his speech was slurred and I didn't know if it was one of the times he acted to to freak me out or if it was from him having a stroke. John and I used to hike a lot. I told the kids that- we went on most of the paths in Utah Valley and talked about everything.

Then I thought about my bishop saying he didn't understand why this hit me so hard.  I wonder the same thing. I wonder why a month after John died when everyone was over it I sort of felt it roll over me again when Mark told someone that he was glad his dad had a grave and he could go see it. My friend whose brother committed suicide messaged me that day and said she expected me to be struggling. This has been the most confusing year of my life and also the most clear.  I feel sort of bad for people who met me after October.  In like a year they will be like- man you are nothing like when I met you and I'll be like- I know. I can swim now. In the mountains I thought about how beautiful it was to see the ones who continue on broken. I used to really respect people who said they were unbreakable.
I'm not one of those people. 

My bishop asked me about Alma 22 and if I remembered it. Which was interesting because of course I know it. I was always fascinated by the thoughts there. In it a king hears about Christ and the promise of salvation. He prays and says "I will give away all my sins to know thee."
If you've read some of my earlier posts that I deleted a while ago since they talked about John who passed away you would know that some things about church are confusing for me. At first I wasn't going to talk about them because it's really hard for people you love to see you change and then not be in a certain direction. Or to right a really emotional blog entry then people are all up in arms worrying about you but as soon as you wrote it all the worry sort of floated away.
 Friends need to know where you stand. Then someone messages me that they are also in a different place. That they don't know where things are. We are safe together and it's OK not to know everything. I don't know if we can let go of all of our doubts like this guy who would give away everything to know God. It's even harder than getting rid of the stuff I don't use.

 I'm fascinated by the idea of people who would give away anything for God. I wonder what that God looks like. Maybe it's the God of the people who come together and help each other and remember the people who didn't make it. Maybe it's that God that gets things together for the homeless. I think it's that God that tells us making the world more beautiful for someone else is the best thing. That God made the mountains. 

A lot of religious blogs have such a definite feel- hi I decided with finality that I'm not Mormon- or Hi I've decided no matter what Jesus forever.  Like my old mission president who said he was at peace that John wouldn't be sick anymore and he was in a better place.  I'm kind of more like- Hi... still in a strange place. Not really inspiring anyone over here or getting rid of all the crap in my garage. Maybe if I did it as a Sunday thoughts blog post we would all come together and have one giant religious yard sale.
This will be the best Sunday Thoughts post ever.
Dear God-
I would give away all the crap in my garage just to know you. Except the fabric I really like. You can't have that it's mine. Except on the days when the kids knock it over and I ask myself why I even bother.

Who we are is a fluid and breaking thing.  I felt better after I went to the same place I went when I found out John was dead. The water is lower now but everything is greener.
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