Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Skipping Around

If you've been friends with me for a while you know that I might continue a conversation that we haven't really talked about for several years.
Today was one of the days when I wanted to do that. I remembered the answer to a question someone asked me a month ago and I couldn't remember at the time.
Except we aren't talking as much now and It's one of those weird things where you wonder if you could tell them or if that would be weird so you let it go. Also it was a sort of big thing that I forgot- would it even be believable that I forgot that? let's just bring that up awkwardly and the topic is awkward too for a double win.

If you know me well you also know that I read fast. I skip topics and I read fast. I have pigeon like pattern recognition and I'm shitty at putting laundry away.

This week has been weird. Usually if I have a lot of feelings I can't process I just get sick. I haven't really been sick except the last few weeks apparently my panic levels are too high and my body isn't working right and I sort of had the flu or something. Making my new years resolution to be present harder. I wanted someone else to come and bring me - I don't know- those parenting energy pills where you win some kind of parenting award and people don't judge how you answer your kids.

So today when my daughter started crying I was like- hey kid can you like not do that right now because I'm in the middle of being weird and trying to get to the gym and I just don't want to pretend to be the best single mom on earth right now. WAIT I didn't say that. Just the feelings part of me said that. Kids give zero effs- and actually adults too- when they need support.

Let's back up for a minute and say last night I met with a group of people and it was sort of energizing and positive and made me realize I'm always on my guard about people questioning me and I usually don't say what I think or feel. It's just my thing. I feel like saying what your opinions are one of the surest way of your opinion changing the next day and belief is usually a fluid thing. I've gone through times of surety and I've lost that feeling of surety. I think belief is more fluid than most people want to think because their need for safety is greater than their honesty.  They talked about promoting stigma and how there is a cycle between Stigma, Shame and Silence.  I left feeling like the group was going to do something to change the world for the better. That's such a rare feeling in a lifetime of being bombarded with facebook memes and football games.

Maybe I also promote the stigma and don't share and want security even if I don't believe it.
Tonight I visited my friend Deepthi that shared her wonderful Indian Vegan cooking with me. My kiddos got to play with her dog. MY KIDS WANT A DOG. and their dad back.

I sort of talked to Danielle. I hope she didn't noticed it was hollow. So I didn't want to talk a ton we went to the gravesite when they asked. Then something hilarious happened. Mark said- "I wonder if Dad is like Frankenstein or like a skeleton?"
He went on to talk about how he knew that there was a dog that died that became Frankenstein but he thinks that dad was a skeleton not Frankenstein. The existential debate between the undead and a pile of bones hasn't been resolved but when we got home it was proclaimed that dad could always be with us. It was so funny though. and I was no help.
Andrew had taken up hopscotch on the headstones. I asked him to stop. He said- I'm hopping to Jesus (there is a statue close by of Jesus.) Danielle commanded him to come back but Andrew continued his gravestone hopscotch.

Overall I feel like that discussion of feelings went well.  Maybe I'm a little confused and feeling broken right now and I don't know why. At the same time I feel fine.

Remember that discussion 10 years about how people who don't try to win at strategy games are just proving they can't compete and are terrible people? Maybe I spoke too soon. Because really that is pretty intense.

Did I ever mention that I love getting books as presents and I need more in a few weeks after I move?

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