My kids watched the good dinosaur. Then they saw johns family. Now they are watching the John movie. The song he wrote says :
"Sometimes life knocks you down, but always it goes on. The only things you can count out- are the dreams that you count on.
Only fools set their hearts on dreams you can't achieve, and only a fool things that life will wait and give him time to grieve."
I think there was a lot of hope in the belief that life just goes on. Everyone is so full of no excuses and goals. What if our goal was just to be present? What if we could let go of our anger for someone that hurt us? Lately I've been overwhelmed by the people who demand "every story has two sides." I don't always love listening to the same song over and over when it's essentially about dying dreams from a singer that committees suicide. The person who destroyed my dream of a happy family and some of my faith in humanity. He owed me a lot when he died and I'll never get that dream back. For me my body demands time and I've been able to stop and learn what death of someone that hurt me would mean. For me it's just emphasized my belief that we are all fragile beings stumbling forward. Not everyone wants what's good and not everyone makes it, like our dreams that die,
I hope it goes on. I hope to live a life that recognizes the immediacy of humanity. To be able to love those that have hurt me because their happiness doesn't change my dream.
Give it time. Your dreams will change into something more beautiful than you can know.
I'm convinced that there is enough goodness for those that want goodness for everyone.
I hope my kids see the beauty behind a song telling us that life doesn't care about us.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Never Forget You
Last week I went swimming with Mr M. and spent time with him in the morning. On the way back from the gym we heard the song from Zara Larsson I will never forget you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTyN-DB_v5M
here is the song
"Mom, I don't know why but every time I hear this song I think of dad."
"So the song reminds you of Dad"
"because I know he died but he is always with me and I know he is in heaven and always with me."
Most of the time when my kiddos bring up dad I practice a little something called reflecting. I say- so it sounds like you are thinking of dad when they say they are. Apparently many therapists make tons of money doing this. Personally if my therapist does it I get super bored and immediately want to be like- yeah I know what I just said. I want to see what the other person thinks. Most people have a fundamental need to be understood and a simple reflection can show them that you are listening. My son knows that I heard what he said.
You can pay millions of dollars to learn in therapy that your kid needs you to spend time listening to them. I got the recommendation to set aside about 10 minutes a day where I ask my kiddos how they are and repeat exactly what they say. Don't try to think- oh that sounds hard- just repeat- it sounds like you are thinking about dad.
WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.
My daughter told her friend that her dad died on the way to come visit her. Part of me thinks I should tell her how he really died. I practiced with my therapist.
The memories of everyone change over time. When we tell each other they are altered. I'm tired of being a single mom today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTyN-DB_v5M
here is the song
"Mom, I don't know why but every time I hear this song I think of dad."
"So the song reminds you of Dad"
"because I know he died but he is always with me and I know he is in heaven and always with me."
Most of the time when my kiddos bring up dad I practice a little something called reflecting. I say- so it sounds like you are thinking of dad when they say they are. Apparently many therapists make tons of money doing this. Personally if my therapist does it I get super bored and immediately want to be like- yeah I know what I just said. I want to see what the other person thinks. Most people have a fundamental need to be understood and a simple reflection can show them that you are listening. My son knows that I heard what he said.
You can pay millions of dollars to learn in therapy that your kid needs you to spend time listening to them. I got the recommendation to set aside about 10 minutes a day where I ask my kiddos how they are and repeat exactly what they say. Don't try to think- oh that sounds hard- just repeat- it sounds like you are thinking about dad.
WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.
My daughter told her friend that her dad died on the way to come visit her. Part of me thinks I should tell her how he really died. I practiced with my therapist.
The memories of everyone change over time. When we tell each other they are altered. I'm tired of being a single mom today.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Baptism
My daughter got baptized yesterday. In the same dress that I got baptized in when I was 8 and my mom got baptized in when she was 8. She became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was proud of her for when she wanted to wait and also a little heartbroken. When she first turned 8 she said she wanted to wait until her dad could be there. Then she said she wanted him to do it. Then she didn't want to after he died. Then one day she asked me why she wasn't baptized yet.
Sometimes I want to tell my daughter that a lot of men in the church won't treat her like a person. I want to tell her that people are more important than any church. That God is the important one.
Sometimes I want to take it all back and somehow let her dad baptize her. Another boy got baptized that day. The other mom was remarried and the dad still baptized him. I was a little jealous. Every now and then I get jealous when people say they are fighting with their ex. That means their kids have two parents. I understand that some parents do a lot of harm but really it's better for kids to have two parents. I used to worry about taking out the trash and putting your laundry in the bin and now it just seems so stupid to worry about that stuff.
Sometimes I guess some of the guys I have met will lie about how worthy they are and baptize their daughters or go through lip service to pretend they care. I wonder if John would have done that. He told me he lied about how he felt about the church for years to make me happy.
I wonder if it matters.
My friend came to the baptism and asked me how I was doing and I started crying. I don't handle feelings super well. I just wanted a happy family for my kids. I don't care if I was divorced I just wanted my kids to have a good dad. It's weird how when you are younger some of the things you want to give your kids are things you can't actually choose or control. Why didn't I care more about them having a good mom or a happy mom or something I could actually work towards?
I want to give her the hope that I felt when I was 8 that I don't always feel now. I'm tired of people yelling at me to feel it.
They wrote letters to the kids that day and I was helping her get dressed so I didn't get to write her a letter. I think I would tell her this:
To my daughter on her baptism day;
I'm remember the day I got baptized and how worried I was that I would make a mistake. I remember really wanting to follow God. I remember being so proud and happy and feeling so amazed. I remember all the talks. I am so glad you got to talk to your cousins about their baptisms and it is something you share.
As I've gone through life the sharing has become more important. I realized on my mission how people had basic needs for shelter and friendship that trumped their religious ideals. I realized I just wanted people who were kind to me sometimes not people who were exactly perfect. May you provide kindness to the people you meet.
I still believe in God. When he tells you to do something don't ignore it. Some people say trust your intuition- some call it a still small voice. For others those three things are distinct. There have been times I have followed it and times I've ignored it. I regret the times I chose what I wanted over what God told me. That's different than what other people have told me I should do. I hope you can grow to know the difference and trust him even when you don't know why or it breaks your heart in half. You always ask about why I got divorced and I always say I won't ever tell you but I will tell you this- when it was happening I begged God to let it all work out. I got an answer and it was this.
"is this what you want to live with."
"No."
I couldn't live with it.
I wanted him to change the situation and the people and he only asked me if I really wanted what I was asking for.
I didn't realize what I was asking for.
I think that's how prayer works sometimes- it's not a huge answer it's God just repeating back what we said and then we realize that we didn't exactly want what we asked- we wanted what we had to change into something it's not. One of my friends told me once that I should tell God about all my frustrations "because he can take it." One of the most intriguing things I've ever heard. There are a lot of people I know who I'm sure have needed to yell at God. He can take it. Sometimes what has happened for me was just the realization about what I was asking or angry about. Sometimes things have changed. Sometimes I felt like God was sorry. I hope you never have to understand that feeling. The Shrug. I know you will and you won't understand what I mean until you've experienced it.
All we ever wanted for you was a hope in the world. I used to think I knew everything. Then I knew nothing. Then I realized maybe that's what faith was. A stillness in uncertainty. We won't know what will happen in our future or after this life. That uncertainty has to be enough. In one of the talks they quoted Alice in Wonderland.
“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
Sometimes I want to tell my daughter that a lot of men in the church won't treat her like a person. I want to tell her that people are more important than any church. That God is the important one.
Sometimes I want to take it all back and somehow let her dad baptize her. Another boy got baptized that day. The other mom was remarried and the dad still baptized him. I was a little jealous. Every now and then I get jealous when people say they are fighting with their ex. That means their kids have two parents. I understand that some parents do a lot of harm but really it's better for kids to have two parents. I used to worry about taking out the trash and putting your laundry in the bin and now it just seems so stupid to worry about that stuff.
Sometimes I guess some of the guys I have met will lie about how worthy they are and baptize their daughters or go through lip service to pretend they care. I wonder if John would have done that. He told me he lied about how he felt about the church for years to make me happy.
I wonder if it matters.
My friend came to the baptism and asked me how I was doing and I started crying. I don't handle feelings super well. I just wanted a happy family for my kids. I don't care if I was divorced I just wanted my kids to have a good dad. It's weird how when you are younger some of the things you want to give your kids are things you can't actually choose or control. Why didn't I care more about them having a good mom or a happy mom or something I could actually work towards?
I want to give her the hope that I felt when I was 8 that I don't always feel now. I'm tired of people yelling at me to feel it.
They wrote letters to the kids that day and I was helping her get dressed so I didn't get to write her a letter. I think I would tell her this:
To my daughter on her baptism day;
I'm remember the day I got baptized and how worried I was that I would make a mistake. I remember really wanting to follow God. I remember being so proud and happy and feeling so amazed. I remember all the talks. I am so glad you got to talk to your cousins about their baptisms and it is something you share.
As I've gone through life the sharing has become more important. I realized on my mission how people had basic needs for shelter and friendship that trumped their religious ideals. I realized I just wanted people who were kind to me sometimes not people who were exactly perfect. May you provide kindness to the people you meet.
I still believe in God. When he tells you to do something don't ignore it. Some people say trust your intuition- some call it a still small voice. For others those three things are distinct. There have been times I have followed it and times I've ignored it. I regret the times I chose what I wanted over what God told me. That's different than what other people have told me I should do. I hope you can grow to know the difference and trust him even when you don't know why or it breaks your heart in half. You always ask about why I got divorced and I always say I won't ever tell you but I will tell you this- when it was happening I begged God to let it all work out. I got an answer and it was this.
"is this what you want to live with."
"No."
I couldn't live with it.
I wanted him to change the situation and the people and he only asked me if I really wanted what I was asking for.
I didn't realize what I was asking for.
I think that's how prayer works sometimes- it's not a huge answer it's God just repeating back what we said and then we realize that we didn't exactly want what we asked- we wanted what we had to change into something it's not. One of my friends told me once that I should tell God about all my frustrations "because he can take it." One of the most intriguing things I've ever heard. There are a lot of people I know who I'm sure have needed to yell at God. He can take it. Sometimes what has happened for me was just the realization about what I was asking or angry about. Sometimes things have changed. Sometimes I felt like God was sorry. I hope you never have to understand that feeling. The Shrug. I know you will and you won't understand what I mean until you've experienced it.
All we ever wanted for you was a hope in the world. I used to think I knew everything. Then I knew nothing. Then I realized maybe that's what faith was. A stillness in uncertainty. We won't know what will happen in our future or after this life. That uncertainty has to be enough. In one of the talks they quoted Alice in Wonderland.
“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: ...So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”
They said that when you are a member of this church you know where you are going. In a way that is true. There are clear goals and a clear picture of Christ and what we can accomplish. But it is also false, like my prayer to have my family that I wanted. I think when this life is over many of us will look back and want something we didn't really want. Do you really want to be married? Do you really want to respect your partners if it means you have fewer than you want? Do you really want to have as many children as others will want you to have? Do you want to hide from what you are and what you choose?
Listen to the stillness. You will not always want what you are asking for. The path will not always be clear but that is part of it. They are lying when they say you will always have a direction. There will be times when the direction you thought was so clear will be impossible. There will be times when you pick a new direction. There will be times when your choices reveal your directional claims as the falsehood they are.
May you learn to stop walking and let those times be part of your journey. There is nothing wrong with listening to the silence.
I still remember my prayer as an 8 year old that I wanted to go back to the heaven everyone talked about. I wanted to be back in a perfect place and this whole idea of "enduring to the end" sounded SO HARD. I'm still here and I've realized that the idea that we chose to be here and every day continue choosing life is beautiful. It's harder than I thought it would be and I've been way less perfect than I thought the Holy Ghost would help me be. People are uglier than I thought was possible. Not everyone wants to do good to other people and I'm glad you do. Your dad didn't want to be here anymore. Sometimes I feel like it is too much but I'm still choosing to be here with you. I hope you always choose to be here.
This is not the hope I chose for you- I wanted a clear picture with happiness and a clear answer about the path of life I wanted. This is not the family I wanted for my kids.
I never realized how much pain other people would cause and how fiercely I want to give you a better life and how I know you will have more pain than anyone should have because I've had that. There will not always be a shiny hope at the end and there will be times when you will be jealous of the people who seem to say their path is always clear. The beauty is not in knowing where you want to go.
The beauty is in the silence when God has asked you
"Is this what you want."
"No."
My life has shattered in a million pieces and I'm not put back together again. May you always be enough, even when you are broken.
I'm scared for you. I'm also so proud of you and happy for what you will see.
The way is more beautiful than I ever hoped for.
love,
mom.
I hope she is able to pass the dress to her daughter if she wants to. I hope she has an easier path than I've had. I hope she can find softness and kindness in her journey.
Monday, July 6, 2015
I will give away all my sins to know thee
So I used to write a post every Sunday about church and stuff. You should look at them they are great. Then I sort of started writing about Cookies. Because I'm not ultra creative at thinking of new ideas for active religion for children ages 8 and under I'll just stick with baking cookies every week. It was a rare case of me starting something that wasn't part of my extensive New Years Resolution plan.
Which I decided to revisit this Sunday by looking around my house and noticing that I had not gotten rid of things I wasn't using like I meant to. So I started that process. My friend said just to get rid of anything that I hadn't used in a year. Well THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE WHO CAN DO THAT? certainly no one who has ever quilted in their lives. Or anyone that has a deep and abiding love of power tools and paper products.
A lot of religious blogs have such a definite feel- hi I decided with finality that I'm not Mormon- or Hi I've decided no matter what Jesus forever. Like my old mission president who said he was at peace that John wouldn't be sick anymore and he was in a better place. I'm kind of more like- Hi... still in a strange place. Not really inspiring anyone over here or getting rid of all the crap in my garage. Maybe if I did it as a Sunday thoughts blog post we would all come together and have one giant religious yard sale.
This will be the best Sunday Thoughts post ever.
Dear God-
I would give away all the crap in my garage just to know you. Except the fabric I really like. You can't have that it's mine. Except on the days when the kids knock it over and I ask myself why I even bother.
Who we are is a fluid and breaking thing. I felt better after I went to the same place I went when I found out John was dead. The water is lower now but everything is greener.
Which I decided to revisit this Sunday by looking around my house and noticing that I had not gotten rid of things I wasn't using like I meant to. So I started that process. My friend said just to get rid of anything that I hadn't used in a year. Well THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE WHO CAN DO THAT? certainly no one who has ever quilted in their lives. Or anyone that has a deep and abiding love of power tools and paper products.
Today I was out hiking again because I was having a hard day. I think when things get hard I go to the mountains and keep going until everything sort of washes out of me. I think about religion when I'm in the mountains. I have conversations I'm never going to have in person. Today I thought about talking to John and our last phone conversation. He kept saying he was sorry and I asked him to stop. Then he got mad because his speech was slurred and I didn't know if it was one of the times he acted to to freak me out or if it was from him having a stroke. John and I used to hike a lot. I told the kids that- we went on most of the paths in Utah Valley and talked about everything.
Then I thought about my bishop saying he didn't understand why this hit me so hard. I wonder the same thing. I wonder why a month after John died when everyone was over it I sort of felt it roll over me again when Mark told someone that he was glad his dad had a grave and he could go see it. My friend whose brother committed suicide messaged me that day and said she expected me to be struggling. This has been the most confusing year of my life and also the most clear. I feel sort of bad for people who met me after October. In like a year they will be like- man you are nothing like when I met you and I'll be like- I know. I can swim now. In the mountains I thought about how beautiful it was to see the ones who continue on broken. I used to really respect people who said they were unbreakable.
I'm not one of those people.
My bishop asked me about Alma 22 and if I remembered it. Which was interesting because of course I know it. I was always fascinated by the thoughts there. In it a king hears about Christ and the promise of salvation. He prays and says "I will give away all my sins to know thee."
If you've read some of my earlier posts that I deleted a while ago since they talked about John who passed away you would know that some things about church are confusing for me. At first I wasn't going to talk about them because it's really hard for people you love to see you change and then not be in a certain direction. Or to right a really emotional blog entry then people are all up in arms worrying about you but as soon as you wrote it all the worry sort of floated away.
Friends need to know where you stand. Then someone messages me that they are also in a different place. That they don't know where things are. We are safe together and it's OK not to know everything. I don't know if we can let go of all of our doubts like this guy who would give away everything to know God. It's even harder than getting rid of the stuff I don't use.
I'm fascinated by the idea of people who would give away anything for God. I wonder what that God looks like. Maybe it's the God of the people who come together and help each other and remember the people who didn't make it. Maybe it's that God that gets things together for the homeless. I think it's that God that tells us making the world more beautiful for someone else is the best thing. That God made the mountains.
A lot of religious blogs have such a definite feel- hi I decided with finality that I'm not Mormon- or Hi I've decided no matter what Jesus forever. Like my old mission president who said he was at peace that John wouldn't be sick anymore and he was in a better place. I'm kind of more like- Hi... still in a strange place. Not really inspiring anyone over here or getting rid of all the crap in my garage. Maybe if I did it as a Sunday thoughts blog post we would all come together and have one giant religious yard sale.
This will be the best Sunday Thoughts post ever.
Dear God-
I would give away all the crap in my garage just to know you. Except the fabric I really like. You can't have that it's mine. Except on the days when the kids knock it over and I ask myself why I even bother.
Who we are is a fluid and breaking thing. I felt better after I went to the same place I went when I found out John was dead. The water is lower now but everything is greener.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Happy Father's Day
A few years ago I blogged about Father's day. http://janaeandjohnskids.blogspot.com/search?q=father%27s+day it was so happy. This year was so different. We visited John's grave on Father's Day. So you can imagine that this post is going to be a little emotional...
John's mom met us at the grave. I posted this picture about the kids being sad. I didn't mention that it was hot as blazes that day and that grandma Janet brought strawberries. I didn't mention that my littlest one tried to steal the pinwheels from the kids' graves like HE ALWAYS DOES. Or that stuffed animals were climbing all over the Jesus statue at one point and Grandma Janet got sprayed with water. Seconds after someone was told not to spray said water.
So that went well. We dropped off flowers that my friend Charla brought over. I even cooked breakfast that morning that my kids didn't eat. We skipped church because I just can't handle father worship day one month after my ex husband died. If my kids started crying just for a second I would have probably lost my marbles.
Two days before I had a slight disagreement with God- because having fights with someone who is never wrong is always a good idea. I told him if he was really a God that inspired people wouldn't someone be talking to me? Sort of like asking for a sign if you will. I mean... uhh. oops. Then my friend Dana messaged me. Then my friend Charla showed up at my house. Weird. Maybe it was just coincidence that they just told me they felt impressed to say God loves me.
Point God I guess. Every time. I still will most likely start another fight I'm awesome like that. Never give up. I always loved the idea of a loving father that you could always talk to. A perfect father that knew us. Being known and understood and taken care of is such a strong human need. It seems so beautiful to have a Heavenly Father.
That's not really part of the story though that I want to talk about because things with God are complicated and not everyone I loves believes in God and the point is that you need a place for hope when you don't know where else to find hope. The story is about how my ex sister in law posted online that my ex husband loved his kids and I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. She said that John lost a battle with Depression. I asked her to please block me on these posts.
I've been there with the kids taking care of them. It's been a nightmare. I know I've let people down. I've been scrappy and people have helped me over and over. I've learned that I'm not too proud to ask for help. It's been almost everything I was ever afraid of happening with children. My sister is living through the only fear I had that didn't come true. My sister loves her son and it's been one of the hardest things on earth seeing her struggle with him having ongoing health issues. It just gets tiring sometimes to not see a brighter future. To be so overwhelmed and working so hard for so long that you wonder how much longer the fight will continue. Her husband and her know a different Father's day than most people do. They know the hopeless fight.
John wanting to be in his children's life was one of the top two reasons I married him. I have a pretty narrow view of what parents who love their children do. Like extremely narrow. None of this fits in my parameters. I guess I also have in the past told God what I think a perfect deity would do.
One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was someone posting happy mother's day to his ex wife that cheated on him. It was really simple and included other mother's in his life and I thought it was one of the bravest things I had ever seen. That is someone who really loved his wife. I wondered if I could post that. Where I could just thank them without holding on to things that happened. Or replacing them with a shiny new dad pretending that the old one never existed.
My little old man drew a picture for his dad full of hearts and an ocean of tears. He interrupted the funeral when someone said John called his kids and said- but dad never called us back. I told him dad used to before dad was sick. It gets hard to remember the dad I posted about a few years ago over the noise of life. One of the last conversations with John was full of him saying everyone would know how bad I was. It wasn't the back and forth that I was jealous of other people having. Not my Instagram post dream. They know their father was sick. One father's day they will know that he took his own life. Maybe we won't be able to save their happiness like I wasn't able to save my marriage or all his family and friends couldn't save John. In the graveyard we put the flowers on the grave and went wandering around looking at other pinwheels and balloons. I love the flowers. The thing I loved most about John as a father stopped existing through divorce and depression and his death.
Some people remember it though. I remember it. When I forget and it's too painful my friends remind me. Family reminds me. I remind my son that he had a dad that loved him more than anything and told him stories all day with mega man and every single superhero that he could think of doing anything the children imagined. My ex sister in law reminded me when I couldn't see it over my own exhaustion.
We will visit the memories even if they are imagined and a reflection of the hope that love like that exists. That hope is why we have God and why we have each other.
Happy Father's Day John.
John's mom met us at the grave. I posted this picture about the kids being sad. I didn't mention that it was hot as blazes that day and that grandma Janet brought strawberries. I didn't mention that my littlest one tried to steal the pinwheels from the kids' graves like HE ALWAYS DOES. Or that stuffed animals were climbing all over the Jesus statue at one point and Grandma Janet got sprayed with water. Seconds after someone was told not to spray said water.
So that went well. We dropped off flowers that my friend Charla brought over. I even cooked breakfast that morning that my kids didn't eat. We skipped church because I just can't handle father worship day one month after my ex husband died. If my kids started crying just for a second I would have probably lost my marbles.
Two days before I had a slight disagreement with God- because having fights with someone who is never wrong is always a good idea. I told him if he was really a God that inspired people wouldn't someone be talking to me? Sort of like asking for a sign if you will. I mean... uhh. oops. Then my friend Dana messaged me. Then my friend Charla showed up at my house. Weird. Maybe it was just coincidence that they just told me they felt impressed to say God loves me.
Point God I guess. Every time. I still will most likely start another fight I'm awesome like that. Never give up. I always loved the idea of a loving father that you could always talk to. A perfect father that knew us. Being known and understood and taken care of is such a strong human need. It seems so beautiful to have a Heavenly Father.
That's not really part of the story though that I want to talk about because things with God are complicated and not everyone I loves believes in God and the point is that you need a place for hope when you don't know where else to find hope. The story is about how my ex sister in law posted online that my ex husband loved his kids and I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. She said that John lost a battle with Depression. I asked her to please block me on these posts.
I've been there with the kids taking care of them. It's been a nightmare. I know I've let people down. I've been scrappy and people have helped me over and over. I've learned that I'm not too proud to ask for help. It's been almost everything I was ever afraid of happening with children. My sister is living through the only fear I had that didn't come true. My sister loves her son and it's been one of the hardest things on earth seeing her struggle with him having ongoing health issues. It just gets tiring sometimes to not see a brighter future. To be so overwhelmed and working so hard for so long that you wonder how much longer the fight will continue. Her husband and her know a different Father's day than most people do. They know the hopeless fight.
John wanting to be in his children's life was one of the top two reasons I married him. I have a pretty narrow view of what parents who love their children do. Like extremely narrow. None of this fits in my parameters. I guess I also have in the past told God what I think a perfect deity would do.
One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was someone posting happy mother's day to his ex wife that cheated on him. It was really simple and included other mother's in his life and I thought it was one of the bravest things I had ever seen. That is someone who really loved his wife. I wondered if I could post that. Where I could just thank them without holding on to things that happened. Or replacing them with a shiny new dad pretending that the old one never existed.
My little old man drew a picture for his dad full of hearts and an ocean of tears. He interrupted the funeral when someone said John called his kids and said- but dad never called us back. I told him dad used to before dad was sick. It gets hard to remember the dad I posted about a few years ago over the noise of life. One of the last conversations with John was full of him saying everyone would know how bad I was. It wasn't the back and forth that I was jealous of other people having. Not my Instagram post dream. They know their father was sick. One father's day they will know that he took his own life. Maybe we won't be able to save their happiness like I wasn't able to save my marriage or all his family and friends couldn't save John. In the graveyard we put the flowers on the grave and went wandering around looking at other pinwheels and balloons. I love the flowers. The thing I loved most about John as a father stopped existing through divorce and depression and his death.
Some people remember it though. I remember it. When I forget and it's too painful my friends remind me. Family reminds me. I remind my son that he had a dad that loved him more than anything and told him stories all day with mega man and every single superhero that he could think of doing anything the children imagined. My ex sister in law reminded me when I couldn't see it over my own exhaustion.
We will visit the memories even if they are imagined and a reflection of the hope that love like that exists. That hope is why we have God and why we have each other.
Happy Father's Day John.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Funeral Day
Today they buried John.
I was distracted about writing about it since someone told me how I was a terrible person and showed me a screenshot of a discussion with even another person about how my kids were going to suffer because I exercise and I'm not at work right now.
I don't know who that other person is but I'm 100% sure they haven't had a spouse or an ex spouse die. I'm 100% sure they've probably never had anyone die and I'm 100% sure they aren't my friends and haven't reached out to me.
That friend said they wanted the old me back.
It reminds me of the funeral. Mark really wanted to see his dad's body. He talked to me over and over about opening the casket to see his dad's body. He told everyone that he knew were the grave was so they could find it. He told me the story of praying that he wouldn't have bad dreams anymore and maybe that was his dad coming to comfort him about his bad dreams. Everyone seemed so overwhelmed. John's old best friend was super nice about the kids like I don't even know how people can act that way. There were people there I really don't like. Mostly I didn't see them because I only saw my kids. My daughter still has a hard time being around any sort of dad that other kids have. I was surprised how awful it was to realize that the only person I've ever really loved killed himself. After he said I was the reason he was so unhappy and wanted a divorce. I mean lots of relationships fail and I'm for sure not perfect. John even told me before he died that everyone would know what an asshole I was and how I tried to kill him. I told him he had to stop because I was just trying to imagine a life long of someone saying that to me every time I sent them a bill for the kids getting a new filling. The emotional fighting had to stop for me.
The hardest thing about your kids burying their dad is when people say dad is in a better place. They say his body is perfect. But my kids just have a closed casket and remains they aren't allowed to see. You can tell them about a fantasy world with a happy dad but if you push it too hard why would they want to stay here? It's like when you get divorced and everyone says you will end up with someone better and faster and richer and nicer. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for unicorn knight rescuer second billionaire husband to come around and really I just want to figure out how to be great at the job I have and know what I want in a career and be able to give my kids the life I want for them without a guy. The thing about being alone is- it's very peaceful. I like peaceful. I hope my kids see that. This life can be really wonderful. Even if we are broken. I would like to have the same calm assurance Elder Kopischke had talking about John's death. I don't know if he's in a better place. I just know that I didn't at any point think I would be raising three kids alone. People said I was but I don't think I was. I was always picturing trying to figure out how to get along with John later. Practicing mentally so things would go well at family events that never happened. His brother talked about John telling stories to the kids when he used to do before he got really sick. Mark interrupted to say "but we couldn't find him" and I had to remind him that dad did call- before he got sick. Dad could tell stories with any given characters for almost any length of time. Mega Man and Spiderman and Batman all in one doing whatever you could imagine. Then he disappeared and I got angry and Mark missed his dad.
Let me tell you a little about my experience with suicide of an ex spouse. There isn't a lot information out there. It's been a little over two weeks and I still don't have a death certificate. He didn't have a will or insurance so there aren't things really coming to the kids from dad like his soccer trophy from high school or his yearbook. His brother is taking care of personal possessions but I don't know if the kids will ever get the stuff dad wrote- probably when they are adults. They called me the day they found out and I was in the obituary. I got my last child support check a week after he died. It's harder than I thought. It's like re-living the person's life just like when someone dies but I've got an almost 8 year marriage (9 months of that was separated) and a divorce in there.
All the feelings.
I've also got some pretty mean people who feel free to tell me I'm doing things wrong. I have no doubt that I'm screwing things up. I also know that I'm distracted by the practical things like the huge drop in my budget and getting my kids to counseling and wearing clean clothes every day.
I'm mad that I am so emotional about it. I'm mad that I feel guilty for not calling the police when I asked John if he was safe a few weeks before he died and he said he was but I didn't believe him because he only ever got really emotional before he tried something. I'm mad at his family. I'm mad a lot of things and I know I'm not really mad at them it's just displaced anger since I can't really change that he's dead and I have all these feelings and nowhere to put them.
My doctor says it's normal to experience what I am going through. So does my counselor. So do the people who have lived it. I rode in the limo and sat with the kids and no one was mean to me. In a way I felt more entitled to sit there than anyone else because the kids are there. I'm the one who has been telling stories about someone who hurt me a lot nonstop for two weeks. They don't tell you how much damage people do to the people around you before they complete suicide. You don't hear about the months of not getting a call back for the kids because dad was in a bad place and couldn't call. They don't tell you how it will be hard to see the pain they were in through the pain they caused. I used to just imagine all the bad things never happened when I told the kids stories about dad. Dad used to go do tough mudder races while you guys were babies and he was always really fast so they will probably be really good at running. Dad was really good at math. Dad and I went to Italy on our honeymoon and rode in the boats and got glass in Venice.
It was amazing to see so many other people step in and tell my kids happy stories.
When my ex spouse died I took it harder than I thought. I didn't know what to do and I'm pretty sure I didn't do everything right. I had nightmares and threw up at night and the kids didn't sleep and I think I gained 5 lbs in a week. I try to work out but I feel like my body has some kind of flu. Then sometimes I feel fine. Every day I feel more fine and less like staying in my bed forever. I care about the people who are disappointed I'm not doing well. They see something I don't see every day.
I hope that they are right and that I can do the things they think I can do. They think I can do this kid thing alone and that I'll have the best career ever. I love the capable me that they see just as much as it hurts me that they aren't helping me and that they were so nasty to me.
I miss the old me. I also miss the old John. the one that everyone has been messaging me about. I miss the naive belief that we would make it through all the hard times and be happy together. Maybe John is in a better place and I will get to a better place.
I know Mark doesn't have nightmares anymore and I know other people have made it through worse things. I also know seeing my daughter cry made me feel so lost and helpless.
My kids know where their dad is. Today that will be enough.
I was distracted about writing about it since someone told me how I was a terrible person and showed me a screenshot of a discussion with even another person about how my kids were going to suffer because I exercise and I'm not at work right now.
I don't know who that other person is but I'm 100% sure they haven't had a spouse or an ex spouse die. I'm 100% sure they've probably never had anyone die and I'm 100% sure they aren't my friends and haven't reached out to me.
That friend said they wanted the old me back.
It reminds me of the funeral. Mark really wanted to see his dad's body. He talked to me over and over about opening the casket to see his dad's body. He told everyone that he knew were the grave was so they could find it. He told me the story of praying that he wouldn't have bad dreams anymore and maybe that was his dad coming to comfort him about his bad dreams. Everyone seemed so overwhelmed. John's old best friend was super nice about the kids like I don't even know how people can act that way. There were people there I really don't like. Mostly I didn't see them because I only saw my kids. My daughter still has a hard time being around any sort of dad that other kids have. I was surprised how awful it was to realize that the only person I've ever really loved killed himself. After he said I was the reason he was so unhappy and wanted a divorce. I mean lots of relationships fail and I'm for sure not perfect. John even told me before he died that everyone would know what an asshole I was and how I tried to kill him. I told him he had to stop because I was just trying to imagine a life long of someone saying that to me every time I sent them a bill for the kids getting a new filling. The emotional fighting had to stop for me.
The hardest thing about your kids burying their dad is when people say dad is in a better place. They say his body is perfect. But my kids just have a closed casket and remains they aren't allowed to see. You can tell them about a fantasy world with a happy dad but if you push it too hard why would they want to stay here? It's like when you get divorced and everyone says you will end up with someone better and faster and richer and nicer. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for unicorn knight rescuer second billionaire husband to come around and really I just want to figure out how to be great at the job I have and know what I want in a career and be able to give my kids the life I want for them without a guy. The thing about being alone is- it's very peaceful. I like peaceful. I hope my kids see that. This life can be really wonderful. Even if we are broken. I would like to have the same calm assurance Elder Kopischke had talking about John's death. I don't know if he's in a better place. I just know that I didn't at any point think I would be raising three kids alone. People said I was but I don't think I was. I was always picturing trying to figure out how to get along with John later. Practicing mentally so things would go well at family events that never happened. His brother talked about John telling stories to the kids when he used to do before he got really sick. Mark interrupted to say "but we couldn't find him" and I had to remind him that dad did call- before he got sick. Dad could tell stories with any given characters for almost any length of time. Mega Man and Spiderman and Batman all in one doing whatever you could imagine. Then he disappeared and I got angry and Mark missed his dad.
Let me tell you a little about my experience with suicide of an ex spouse. There isn't a lot information out there. It's been a little over two weeks and I still don't have a death certificate. He didn't have a will or insurance so there aren't things really coming to the kids from dad like his soccer trophy from high school or his yearbook. His brother is taking care of personal possessions but I don't know if the kids will ever get the stuff dad wrote- probably when they are adults. They called me the day they found out and I was in the obituary. I got my last child support check a week after he died. It's harder than I thought. It's like re-living the person's life just like when someone dies but I've got an almost 8 year marriage (9 months of that was separated) and a divorce in there.
All the feelings.
I've also got some pretty mean people who feel free to tell me I'm doing things wrong. I have no doubt that I'm screwing things up. I also know that I'm distracted by the practical things like the huge drop in my budget and getting my kids to counseling and wearing clean clothes every day.
I'm mad that I am so emotional about it. I'm mad that I feel guilty for not calling the police when I asked John if he was safe a few weeks before he died and he said he was but I didn't believe him because he only ever got really emotional before he tried something. I'm mad at his family. I'm mad a lot of things and I know I'm not really mad at them it's just displaced anger since I can't really change that he's dead and I have all these feelings and nowhere to put them.
My doctor says it's normal to experience what I am going through. So does my counselor. So do the people who have lived it. I rode in the limo and sat with the kids and no one was mean to me. In a way I felt more entitled to sit there than anyone else because the kids are there. I'm the one who has been telling stories about someone who hurt me a lot nonstop for two weeks. They don't tell you how much damage people do to the people around you before they complete suicide. You don't hear about the months of not getting a call back for the kids because dad was in a bad place and couldn't call. They don't tell you how it will be hard to see the pain they were in through the pain they caused. I used to just imagine all the bad things never happened when I told the kids stories about dad. Dad used to go do tough mudder races while you guys were babies and he was always really fast so they will probably be really good at running. Dad was really good at math. Dad and I went to Italy on our honeymoon and rode in the boats and got glass in Venice.
It was amazing to see so many other people step in and tell my kids happy stories.
When my ex spouse died I took it harder than I thought. I didn't know what to do and I'm pretty sure I didn't do everything right. I had nightmares and threw up at night and the kids didn't sleep and I think I gained 5 lbs in a week. I try to work out but I feel like my body has some kind of flu. Then sometimes I feel fine. Every day I feel more fine and less like staying in my bed forever. I care about the people who are disappointed I'm not doing well. They see something I don't see every day.
I hope that they are right and that I can do the things they think I can do. They think I can do this kid thing alone and that I'll have the best career ever. I love the capable me that they see just as much as it hurts me that they aren't helping me and that they were so nasty to me.
I miss the old me. I also miss the old John. the one that everyone has been messaging me about. I miss the naive belief that we would make it through all the hard times and be happy together. Maybe John is in a better place and I will get to a better place.
I know Mark doesn't have nightmares anymore and I know other people have made it through worse things. I also know seeing my daughter cry made me feel so lost and helpless.
My kids know where their dad is. Today that will be enough.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Laundry
Well today was a hard day. and Yesterday was harder. I found out the kids had like over 1000 dollars in medical bills from last year. John said he paid them in March but I guess it didn't happen.
Which reminds me of something that happened in my divorce. Oddly enough I know. The thing is if you have kids and want to get divorced in Pennsylvania you are required to go to at least three sessions of counseling. This is something like punishing you for marrying that person all over again. I know at least one of the sessions I spend half the time feeding my baby since I was breastfeeding and had a new baby. but this is about how they went.
counselor- you will need to think about provisions for your children and custody and do some paperwork and the divorce can be quite cheap if you write down what you want then just file it yourself or get an attorney together
John- I've been unhappy the whole time I just pretended after the first year and we aren't on the same educational level and she's fat. The cheating isn't really a big deal.
me- WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU EVER PUT YOUR LAUNDRY IN THE LAUNDRY BIN? We had one in the hall which was too complicated for you so I got you a separate laundry bin. next to your bed. Somehow your socks would make it to one foot away from the laundry bin. BUT NEVER IN THE BIN. Was that one foot just too much for you? Do you think your laundry just does itself and climbs back into your drawers? Did you not notice when I started hiding your ties after you wouldn't put them away on Sunday and I had about 30 ties before you asked for a specific art tie with the scream on it which I don't even like? Why do you have so many ties?
You can imagine how well this went. I was like 100% accepting of what was happening. Also my number one marital advice to couples- hire someone else to do your laundry. I think my husband almost had a heart attack that I was so upset about laundry when he was cheating. Maybe I never really got that memo.
So when John passed away I handled it with similar excellence. On the bright side someone else came and did my laundry. They put my laundry away. They talked to me even though I am pretty sure I was non-responsive. I'm still really struggling. The other day someone said- it will get harder and when everyone is done talking about it you can still talk to me. I knew what she was talking about. I know things will get worse before they get better. Nothing made me more angry than how my ex husband didn't call the kids. hearing your kids cry makes a parent crazy. But this time it's different. I find myself still getting frustrated like when I got the medical bills. But there is no one to call or text. No one is ever taking care of that. Dad is never calling the kids back. He's never going to eventually live close.
Just like he was never going to pick up his laundry while we were married. I was getting divorced and I was upset that my husband would never have finally started to pick up his laundry. and now their dad is dead and I'm upset he didn't finally start paying the medical bills. I thought it would get better.
Sometimes when people ask me about religion and eternity they ask how you can understand eternity. I tell them they have things in their lives that will teach them about eternity- it won't be your children or your good times. It will be the laundry. Laundry is an eternal principle. You invest into clothing and you have to wash it. Over and Over and Over again. There is never really no dirty laundry. Never. It's an endless round. Sometimes you ruin your clothes and sometimes you get good smelling detergent and it makes your life and warm out of the dryer towel heaven. But sometimes you leave it in too long and ruin your favorite pants.
I'm still distracted by survival. Experiencing significant changes in my life plan are NOT my favorite thing in the world. I wake up in the middle of the night and throw up. I try to go running or biking and it feels like my body is shaking the whole time then I can't make it work. I start crying while I'm swimming with my friends because I don't even remember the memory I had. We aren't all good at endings. I usually let my feelings catch up with reality about a month later than the time when you were supposed to say your feelings about something happening.
Which makes sense, because that's how long it takes for me to do laundry as well.
I don't know if there will be some kind of memorial fund for the kids. I don't know how anything is going to work right now. I don't really know who put my laundry away in my closet that I didn't wash or put away. I'm overwhelmed by the change. My friends are collecting memories for the kids. I wanted the kids to have something they could watch or look through when they want to think of dad. I don't know how to be both parents even though John was pretty sick and didn't get to see the kids much it still feels too final. I'm still mad that he didn't help pay for the kids more or didn't pay me the back owed child support.
Just like sitting in counseling while I was getting divorced and talking about how I did all the laundry. and he never cleaned bathrooms. I don't even mind doing that usually. I like paying bills as well. I am still in shock. Please stop messaging me about how awesome my ex was. I'm not even to the point when I realize what happened so I can hear that right now.
Plus I have a lot of laundry to do.
Hey- here's a link to the gofundme since I'm taking some time off work to be with the kids. and I guess to pay these medical bills...
gofund.me/madsenkids
Which reminds me of something that happened in my divorce. Oddly enough I know. The thing is if you have kids and want to get divorced in Pennsylvania you are required to go to at least three sessions of counseling. This is something like punishing you for marrying that person all over again. I know at least one of the sessions I spend half the time feeding my baby since I was breastfeeding and had a new baby. but this is about how they went.
counselor- you will need to think about provisions for your children and custody and do some paperwork and the divorce can be quite cheap if you write down what you want then just file it yourself or get an attorney together
John- I've been unhappy the whole time I just pretended after the first year and we aren't on the same educational level and she's fat. The cheating isn't really a big deal.
me- WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU EVER PUT YOUR LAUNDRY IN THE LAUNDRY BIN? We had one in the hall which was too complicated for you so I got you a separate laundry bin. next to your bed. Somehow your socks would make it to one foot away from the laundry bin. BUT NEVER IN THE BIN. Was that one foot just too much for you? Do you think your laundry just does itself and climbs back into your drawers? Did you not notice when I started hiding your ties after you wouldn't put them away on Sunday and I had about 30 ties before you asked for a specific art tie with the scream on it which I don't even like? Why do you have so many ties?
You can imagine how well this went. I was like 100% accepting of what was happening. Also my number one marital advice to couples- hire someone else to do your laundry. I think my husband almost had a heart attack that I was so upset about laundry when he was cheating. Maybe I never really got that memo.
So when John passed away I handled it with similar excellence. On the bright side someone else came and did my laundry. They put my laundry away. They talked to me even though I am pretty sure I was non-responsive. I'm still really struggling. The other day someone said- it will get harder and when everyone is done talking about it you can still talk to me. I knew what she was talking about. I know things will get worse before they get better. Nothing made me more angry than how my ex husband didn't call the kids. hearing your kids cry makes a parent crazy. But this time it's different. I find myself still getting frustrated like when I got the medical bills. But there is no one to call or text. No one is ever taking care of that. Dad is never calling the kids back. He's never going to eventually live close.
Just like he was never going to pick up his laundry while we were married. I was getting divorced and I was upset that my husband would never have finally started to pick up his laundry. and now their dad is dead and I'm upset he didn't finally start paying the medical bills. I thought it would get better.
Sometimes when people ask me about religion and eternity they ask how you can understand eternity. I tell them they have things in their lives that will teach them about eternity- it won't be your children or your good times. It will be the laundry. Laundry is an eternal principle. You invest into clothing and you have to wash it. Over and Over and Over again. There is never really no dirty laundry. Never. It's an endless round. Sometimes you ruin your clothes and sometimes you get good smelling detergent and it makes your life and warm out of the dryer towel heaven. But sometimes you leave it in too long and ruin your favorite pants.
I'm still distracted by survival. Experiencing significant changes in my life plan are NOT my favorite thing in the world. I wake up in the middle of the night and throw up. I try to go running or biking and it feels like my body is shaking the whole time then I can't make it work. I start crying while I'm swimming with my friends because I don't even remember the memory I had. We aren't all good at endings. I usually let my feelings catch up with reality about a month later than the time when you were supposed to say your feelings about something happening.
Which makes sense, because that's how long it takes for me to do laundry as well.
I don't know if there will be some kind of memorial fund for the kids. I don't know how anything is going to work right now. I don't really know who put my laundry away in my closet that I didn't wash or put away. I'm overwhelmed by the change. My friends are collecting memories for the kids. I wanted the kids to have something they could watch or look through when they want to think of dad. I don't know how to be both parents even though John was pretty sick and didn't get to see the kids much it still feels too final. I'm still mad that he didn't help pay for the kids more or didn't pay me the back owed child support.
Just like sitting in counseling while I was getting divorced and talking about how I did all the laundry. and he never cleaned bathrooms. I don't even mind doing that usually. I like paying bills as well. I am still in shock. Please stop messaging me about how awesome my ex was. I'm not even to the point when I realize what happened so I can hear that right now.
Plus I have a lot of laundry to do.
Hey- here's a link to the gofundme since I'm taking some time off work to be with the kids. and I guess to pay these medical bills...
gofund.me/madsenkids
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
What to say to an ex spouse.
People have been super nice including family and friends. so I thought of a list of things not to say. because that makes sense.
Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing. Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.
2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.
3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you. I hope it doesn't though.
4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person. I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.
5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now? Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.
6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.
7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.
8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.
9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life
10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?
11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.
12. That's crazy.
got that memo
13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.
14. You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.
15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.
OH I HADN'T NOTICED THINGS COST MONEY.
16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.
Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.
2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.
3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome
4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.
5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.
6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.
7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.
8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.
9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.
10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.
11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.
12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.
13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme. gofund.me/madsenkids
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.
15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.
16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.
My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.
Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing. Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.
2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.
3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you. I hope it doesn't though.
4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person. I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.
5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now? Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.
6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.
7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.
8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.
9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life
10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?
11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.
12. That's crazy.
got that memo
13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.
14. You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.
15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.
OH I HADN'T NOTICED THINGS COST MONEY.
16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.
Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.
2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.
3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome
4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.
5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.
6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.
7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.
8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.
9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.
10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.
11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.
12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.
13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme. gofund.me/madsenkids
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.
15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.
16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.
My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.
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