Last week I went swimming with Mr M. and spent time with him in the morning. On the way back from the gym we heard the song from Zara Larsson I will never forget you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTyN-DB_v5M
here is the song
"Mom, I don't know why but every time I hear this song I think of dad."
"So the song reminds you of Dad"
"because I know he died but he is always with me and I know he is in heaven and always with me."
Most of the time when my kiddos bring up dad I practice a little something called reflecting. I say- so it sounds like you are thinking of dad when they say they are. Apparently many therapists make tons of money doing this. Personally if my therapist does it I get super bored and immediately want to be like- yeah I know what I just said. I want to see what the other person thinks. Most people have a fundamental need to be understood and a simple reflection can show them that you are listening. My son knows that I heard what he said.
You can pay millions of dollars to learn in therapy that your kid needs you to spend time listening to them. I got the recommendation to set aside about 10 minutes a day where I ask my kiddos how they are and repeat exactly what they say. Don't try to think- oh that sounds hard- just repeat- it sounds like you are thinking about dad.
WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.
My daughter told her friend that her dad died on the way to come visit her. Part of me thinks I should tell her how he really died. I practiced with my therapist.
The memories of everyone change over time. When we tell each other they are altered. I'm tired of being a single mom today.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
Happy Father's Day
A few years ago I blogged about Father's day. http://janaeandjohnskids.blogspot.com/search?q=father%27s+day it was so happy. This year was so different. We visited John's grave on Father's Day. So you can imagine that this post is going to be a little emotional...
John's mom met us at the grave. I posted this picture about the kids being sad. I didn't mention that it was hot as blazes that day and that grandma Janet brought strawberries. I didn't mention that my littlest one tried to steal the pinwheels from the kids' graves like HE ALWAYS DOES. Or that stuffed animals were climbing all over the Jesus statue at one point and Grandma Janet got sprayed with water. Seconds after someone was told not to spray said water.
So that went well. We dropped off flowers that my friend Charla brought over. I even cooked breakfast that morning that my kids didn't eat. We skipped church because I just can't handle father worship day one month after my ex husband died. If my kids started crying just for a second I would have probably lost my marbles.
Two days before I had a slight disagreement with God- because having fights with someone who is never wrong is always a good idea. I told him if he was really a God that inspired people wouldn't someone be talking to me? Sort of like asking for a sign if you will. I mean... uhh. oops. Then my friend Dana messaged me. Then my friend Charla showed up at my house. Weird. Maybe it was just coincidence that they just told me they felt impressed to say God loves me.
Point God I guess. Every time. I still will most likely start another fight I'm awesome like that. Never give up. I always loved the idea of a loving father that you could always talk to. A perfect father that knew us. Being known and understood and taken care of is such a strong human need. It seems so beautiful to have a Heavenly Father.
That's not really part of the story though that I want to talk about because things with God are complicated and not everyone I loves believes in God and the point is that you need a place for hope when you don't know where else to find hope. The story is about how my ex sister in law posted online that my ex husband loved his kids and I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. She said that John lost a battle with Depression. I asked her to please block me on these posts.
I've been there with the kids taking care of them. It's been a nightmare. I know I've let people down. I've been scrappy and people have helped me over and over. I've learned that I'm not too proud to ask for help. It's been almost everything I was ever afraid of happening with children. My sister is living through the only fear I had that didn't come true. My sister loves her son and it's been one of the hardest things on earth seeing her struggle with him having ongoing health issues. It just gets tiring sometimes to not see a brighter future. To be so overwhelmed and working so hard for so long that you wonder how much longer the fight will continue. Her husband and her know a different Father's day than most people do. They know the hopeless fight.
John wanting to be in his children's life was one of the top two reasons I married him. I have a pretty narrow view of what parents who love their children do. Like extremely narrow. None of this fits in my parameters. I guess I also have in the past told God what I think a perfect deity would do.
One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was someone posting happy mother's day to his ex wife that cheated on him. It was really simple and included other mother's in his life and I thought it was one of the bravest things I had ever seen. That is someone who really loved his wife. I wondered if I could post that. Where I could just thank them without holding on to things that happened. Or replacing them with a shiny new dad pretending that the old one never existed.
My little old man drew a picture for his dad full of hearts and an ocean of tears. He interrupted the funeral when someone said John called his kids and said- but dad never called us back. I told him dad used to before dad was sick. It gets hard to remember the dad I posted about a few years ago over the noise of life. One of the last conversations with John was full of him saying everyone would know how bad I was. It wasn't the back and forth that I was jealous of other people having. Not my Instagram post dream. They know their father was sick. One father's day they will know that he took his own life. Maybe we won't be able to save their happiness like I wasn't able to save my marriage or all his family and friends couldn't save John. In the graveyard we put the flowers on the grave and went wandering around looking at other pinwheels and balloons. I love the flowers. The thing I loved most about John as a father stopped existing through divorce and depression and his death.
Some people remember it though. I remember it. When I forget and it's too painful my friends remind me. Family reminds me. I remind my son that he had a dad that loved him more than anything and told him stories all day with mega man and every single superhero that he could think of doing anything the children imagined. My ex sister in law reminded me when I couldn't see it over my own exhaustion.
We will visit the memories even if they are imagined and a reflection of the hope that love like that exists. That hope is why we have God and why we have each other.
Happy Father's Day John.
John's mom met us at the grave. I posted this picture about the kids being sad. I didn't mention that it was hot as blazes that day and that grandma Janet brought strawberries. I didn't mention that my littlest one tried to steal the pinwheels from the kids' graves like HE ALWAYS DOES. Or that stuffed animals were climbing all over the Jesus statue at one point and Grandma Janet got sprayed with water. Seconds after someone was told not to spray said water.
So that went well. We dropped off flowers that my friend Charla brought over. I even cooked breakfast that morning that my kids didn't eat. We skipped church because I just can't handle father worship day one month after my ex husband died. If my kids started crying just for a second I would have probably lost my marbles.
Two days before I had a slight disagreement with God- because having fights with someone who is never wrong is always a good idea. I told him if he was really a God that inspired people wouldn't someone be talking to me? Sort of like asking for a sign if you will. I mean... uhh. oops. Then my friend Dana messaged me. Then my friend Charla showed up at my house. Weird. Maybe it was just coincidence that they just told me they felt impressed to say God loves me.
Point God I guess. Every time. I still will most likely start another fight I'm awesome like that. Never give up. I always loved the idea of a loving father that you could always talk to. A perfect father that knew us. Being known and understood and taken care of is such a strong human need. It seems so beautiful to have a Heavenly Father.
That's not really part of the story though that I want to talk about because things with God are complicated and not everyone I loves believes in God and the point is that you need a place for hope when you don't know where else to find hope. The story is about how my ex sister in law posted online that my ex husband loved his kids and I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. She said that John lost a battle with Depression. I asked her to please block me on these posts.
I've been there with the kids taking care of them. It's been a nightmare. I know I've let people down. I've been scrappy and people have helped me over and over. I've learned that I'm not too proud to ask for help. It's been almost everything I was ever afraid of happening with children. My sister is living through the only fear I had that didn't come true. My sister loves her son and it's been one of the hardest things on earth seeing her struggle with him having ongoing health issues. It just gets tiring sometimes to not see a brighter future. To be so overwhelmed and working so hard for so long that you wonder how much longer the fight will continue. Her husband and her know a different Father's day than most people do. They know the hopeless fight.
John wanting to be in his children's life was one of the top two reasons I married him. I have a pretty narrow view of what parents who love their children do. Like extremely narrow. None of this fits in my parameters. I guess I also have in the past told God what I think a perfect deity would do.
One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was someone posting happy mother's day to his ex wife that cheated on him. It was really simple and included other mother's in his life and I thought it was one of the bravest things I had ever seen. That is someone who really loved his wife. I wondered if I could post that. Where I could just thank them without holding on to things that happened. Or replacing them with a shiny new dad pretending that the old one never existed.
My little old man drew a picture for his dad full of hearts and an ocean of tears. He interrupted the funeral when someone said John called his kids and said- but dad never called us back. I told him dad used to before dad was sick. It gets hard to remember the dad I posted about a few years ago over the noise of life. One of the last conversations with John was full of him saying everyone would know how bad I was. It wasn't the back and forth that I was jealous of other people having. Not my Instagram post dream. They know their father was sick. One father's day they will know that he took his own life. Maybe we won't be able to save their happiness like I wasn't able to save my marriage or all his family and friends couldn't save John. In the graveyard we put the flowers on the grave and went wandering around looking at other pinwheels and balloons. I love the flowers. The thing I loved most about John as a father stopped existing through divorce and depression and his death.
Some people remember it though. I remember it. When I forget and it's too painful my friends remind me. Family reminds me. I remind my son that he had a dad that loved him more than anything and told him stories all day with mega man and every single superhero that he could think of doing anything the children imagined. My ex sister in law reminded me when I couldn't see it over my own exhaustion.
We will visit the memories even if they are imagined and a reflection of the hope that love like that exists. That hope is why we have God and why we have each other.
Happy Father's Day John.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
What to say to an ex spouse.
People have been super nice including family and friends. so I thought of a list of things not to say. because that makes sense.
Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing. Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.
2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.
3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you. I hope it doesn't though.
4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person. I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.
5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now? Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.
6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.
7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.
8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.
9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life
10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?
11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.
12. That's crazy.
got that memo
13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.
14. You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.
15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.
OH I HADN'T NOTICED THINGS COST MONEY.
16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.
Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.
2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.
3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome
4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.
5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.
6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.
7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.
8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.
9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.
10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.
11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.
12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.
13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme. gofund.me/madsenkids
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.
15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.
16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.
My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.
Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing. Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.
2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.
3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you. I hope it doesn't though.
4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person. I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.
5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now? Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.
6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.
7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.
8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.
9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life
10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?
11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.
12. That's crazy.
got that memo
13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.
14. You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.
15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.
OH I HADN'T NOTICED THINGS COST MONEY.
16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.
Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.
2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.
3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome
4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.
5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.
6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.
7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.
8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.
9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.
10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.
11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.
12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.
13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme. gofund.me/madsenkids
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.
15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.
16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.
My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.
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