Well today was a hard day. and Yesterday was harder. I found out the kids had like over 1000 dollars in medical bills from last year. John said he paid them in March but I guess it didn't happen.
Which reminds me of something that happened in my divorce. Oddly enough I know. The thing is if you have kids and want to get divorced in Pennsylvania you are required to go to at least three sessions of counseling. This is something like punishing you for marrying that person all over again. I know at least one of the sessions I spend half the time feeding my baby since I was breastfeeding and had a new baby. but this is about how they went.
counselor- you will need to think about provisions for your children and custody and do some paperwork and the divorce can be quite cheap if you write down what you want then just file it yourself or get an attorney together
John- I've been unhappy the whole time I just pretended after the first year and we aren't on the same educational level and she's fat. The cheating isn't really a big deal.
me- WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU EVER PUT YOUR LAUNDRY IN THE LAUNDRY BIN? We had one in the hall which was too complicated for you so I got you a separate laundry bin. next to your bed. Somehow your socks would make it to one foot away from the laundry bin. BUT NEVER IN THE BIN. Was that one foot just too much for you? Do you think your laundry just does itself and climbs back into your drawers? Did you not notice when I started hiding your ties after you wouldn't put them away on Sunday and I had about 30 ties before you asked for a specific art tie with the scream on it which I don't even like? Why do you have so many ties?
You can imagine how well this went. I was like 100% accepting of what was happening. Also my number one marital advice to couples- hire someone else to do your laundry. I think my husband almost had a heart attack that I was so upset about laundry when he was cheating. Maybe I never really got that memo.
So when John passed away I handled it with similar excellence. On the bright side someone else came and did my laundry. They put my laundry away. They talked to me even though I am pretty sure I was non-responsive. I'm still really struggling. The other day someone said- it will get harder and when everyone is done talking about it you can still talk to me. I knew what she was talking about. I know things will get worse before they get better. Nothing made me more angry than how my ex husband didn't call the kids. hearing your kids cry makes a parent crazy. But this time it's different. I find myself still getting frustrated like when I got the medical bills. But there is no one to call or text. No one is ever taking care of that. Dad is never calling the kids back. He's never going to eventually live close.
Just like he was never going to pick up his laundry while we were married. I was getting divorced and I was upset that my husband would never have finally started to pick up his laundry. and now their dad is dead and I'm upset he didn't finally start paying the medical bills. I thought it would get better.
Sometimes when people ask me about religion and eternity they ask how you can understand eternity. I tell them they have things in their lives that will teach them about eternity- it won't be your children or your good times. It will be the laundry. Laundry is an eternal principle. You invest into clothing and you have to wash it. Over and Over and Over again. There is never really no dirty laundry. Never. It's an endless round. Sometimes you ruin your clothes and sometimes you get good smelling detergent and it makes your life and warm out of the dryer towel heaven. But sometimes you leave it in too long and ruin your favorite pants.
I'm still distracted by survival. Experiencing significant changes in my life plan are NOT my favorite thing in the world. I wake up in the middle of the night and throw up. I try to go running or biking and it feels like my body is shaking the whole time then I can't make it work. I start crying while I'm swimming with my friends because I don't even remember the memory I had. We aren't all good at endings. I usually let my feelings catch up with reality about a month later than the time when you were supposed to say your feelings about something happening.
Which makes sense, because that's how long it takes for me to do laundry as well.
I don't know if there will be some kind of memorial fund for the kids. I don't know how anything is going to work right now. I don't really know who put my laundry away in my closet that I didn't wash or put away. I'm overwhelmed by the change. My friends are collecting memories for the kids. I wanted the kids to have something they could watch or look through when they want to think of dad. I don't know how to be both parents even though John was pretty sick and didn't get to see the kids much it still feels too final. I'm still mad that he didn't help pay for the kids more or didn't pay me the back owed child support.
Just like sitting in counseling while I was getting divorced and talking about how I did all the laundry. and he never cleaned bathrooms. I don't even mind doing that usually. I like paying bills as well. I am still in shock. Please stop messaging me about how awesome my ex was. I'm not even to the point when I realize what happened so I can hear that right now.
Plus I have a lot of laundry to do.
Hey- here's a link to the gofundme since I'm taking some time off work to be with the kids. and I guess to pay these medical bills...
gofund.me/madsenkids
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
What to say to an ex spouse.
People have been super nice including family and friends. so I thought of a list of things not to say. because that makes sense.
Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing. Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.
2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.
3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you. I hope it doesn't though.
4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person. I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.
5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now? Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.
6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.
7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.
8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.
9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life
10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?
11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.
12. That's crazy.
got that memo
13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.
14. You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.
15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.
OH I HADN'T NOTICED THINGS COST MONEY.
16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.
Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.
2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.
3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome
4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.
5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.
6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.
7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.
8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.
9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.
10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.
11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.
12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.
13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme. gofund.me/madsenkids
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.
15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.
16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.
My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.
Things not to say to someone after their ex spouse commits suicide:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
yeah first of all that's a fucking lie. second of all that's a lie. Except I wonder about the person who says I couldn't have made it through this without making it through the divorce. I really believe I'm tough as shit and can take just about anything. When they said that I maybe for one second believed the everything happens for a reason thing. Then I got angry because I don't believe that. Everything that happens has happened and is. You don't always have to look for a reason- just look at what is.
2. Don't forget your kids
I'm sorry I was busy have an utter meltdown what did you say? I never forget my kids. If you want to do something for them go ahead. They will let you know what they like they rock like that. my daughter wants to take gymnastics and karate and not soccer. Mark wants another iPad. Little Mr. is the happiest human ever made.
3. Just go back to work and then things will be better for your kids because things will be normal.
Did you miss the fiery auto part with the dead human inside? yeah I had three children with that human. Also to some of the people who told me this- your ability to pretend you don't feel things is alarming. Like truly disturbing. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive since my ex husband ignored everything until he exploded from the inside out. That will catch up to you. I hope it doesn't though.
4. Unbelievable.
to the person who said that- you are not a good person. I hope that life preserves your naive ignorance that allows you to be cruel to people. Usually. Usually I hope you get to keep being naive.
5. Your ex was such a great guy.
Yeah the mental illness and our divorce never happened. Please send me more stories about how nice he was I really noticed that not at all for the last many years. Then make me feel guilty since he's dead and you need your place for good memories and I want to respect that space. Can we not remember the times that were really good right now? Like not to the ex wife maybe? I've been talking about good memories with my kids for a long time every day. It's like a mental gymnastics session. I'm pretty sure I would withstand any torture- I'm ready to be a spy like Jennifer Garner now. Life goals.
6. He really loved his kids.
OK maybe just tell the kids that not me. Like all these good things tell the kids. Maybe send them a letter they need that. They hadn't heard from their dad in a long time. When someone is mentally ill they aren't really a loving parent. They don't see people outside themselves.
7. Do you need anything
yeah like just to keep functioning if you can help with that. Maybe drag me out of bed. Or actually think of what I might need and then do that.
8. Nothing
I mean it's hard - there isn't anything right you can say to someone turns out. So I mean I guess nothing is OK.
9. Your kids had a tragedy.
ummm. I don't want to sound selfish but this has a huge impact on my life
10. Jesus will take care of you.
Dear Jesus....uhh are you a swiss bank account and a long vacation?
11. Are you OK?
yeah that's a no. Like a solid no.
12. That's crazy.
got that memo
13. You shouldn't stay in bed.
Gosh I didn't realize that when I was almost unable to get out of bed.
14. You are strong you've got this.
I noticed that at no point.
15. You shouldn't take your kids to Disney it's expensive.
OH I HADN'T NOTICED THINGS COST MONEY.
16. The funeral might be on your miscarriage would be due date
Perfect because that's a perfect shit storm for everyone! OH wait mainly me. Yeah. only me.
Things to say:
1. I love to mate socks can I come over?
uhh yeah you can. also my car is messy.
2. Want to go on a hike or a bike ride or a run?
yes I do. I always do. THIS IS THE BEST.
3. I got the kids something what's your address?
uhh this ones' awesome
4. Can I come give the kids something and say hi?
my daughter's teacher did this and it was so nice I wanted to cry. Also Carolann (the nanny) has taken them on walks and talked about feelings. Incredible. I have taken two naps a day and talked a lot about memories that I selected for the kids to have. It's exhausting to talk about your dead ex husband and write down happy memories.
5. I can help make something for the kids for you and ask them to write happy memories.
Maybe bring some old friends of my ex spouse and I will not be involved.
6. What type of pizza do you like.
I mean we all know I am going to marry Pizza someday. They told me what time they were bringing dinner and I was like- WHAAA? Best ever. Who plans that? mormons- that's who. WANT TO BE MORMON NOW? I THOUGHT SO.
7. Don't make any big life decisions or think about dating.
Yeah because most people don't like random outbursts about you ex dying. it's too much. But you might have displaced anger for other people who were crappy. It's easier to be angry at the living.
8. Here's a distracting meme/photo/quote
oh my goodness I have the funniest friends ever. GOAT FIT. Also stop having so much fun for a minute.
9. I am surprised how much you've been through.
I mean I never wanted to be one of those strong untouchable people. I wanted to be one of the weak ones with very little adversity and a strong support system to keep them going. I would be so good at that. I WOULD ROCK AT AN EASY LIFE. where I get to pick out rugs again. I owned that. The baby showers I throw always have matching food. FOOD SHOULD MATCH.
10. I'm surprised how easy it is to think of suicide as an illness until it's affecting someone close to you.
yeah the survivors- children and ex spouse are affected by that. My kids are super sad. I've heard them cry about dad for years now so sometimes I feel a bit numb about it but now it's so final- I'm not going to angry text message him call your kids ever maybe. because he won't. I've already had people fake call them like my friend who I put in my phone as Santa Claus to bribe my kids to be good one year.
11. It's not your fault.
Usually people who kill themselves reach out to people before they do it. John reached out to me about three weeks before and was acting unstable and I asked if he was safe and he said yes. I never knew if he was safe and I guess he wasn't. It's like your divorce all over again. So that sucks. Today my friend who has a loved one with a serious mental illness talked to me and I felt like- she gets it.
12. I will talk to the family/our group of friends for you. Nothing is more overwhelming than the roller coaster between wanting to talk or being left alone. I can't imagine how it must be for my ex mother in law losing her son. My cousin wrote her a note because I can't.
13. You will feel all the feels.
I don't even like that. It's like I'm re-living my marriage and my divorce and struggling to be a sole provider all over again all in one day. All those feelings don't go in one person they sort of spill out. So I'm walking around sort of starting to function normally with feelings that sort of fall out on the sides when I'm not expecting.
14. I started a Gofundme. gofund.me/madsenkids
what?!? I just had to put that because I'm been SHOCKED at how many people have helped. at the same time I was like- dude I need help I'm not doing great. Probably I should be doing better let me put that on the list of things to do for today with wear clean clothes. I have totally checked that off. I think. Goal- Keep my job. yeah that's a good goal.
15. I'll help you write people thank you cards for helping.
I mean thank you cards are very important. I can never thank people for all the stuff they've done for me.
16. I brought you ice cream and my mom flips everyone off and calls everyone betch.
This is what life is all about. umm a lot of people have come over to say hi. I think I've been at points distracted and at points overly loud. sorry.
My friend was talking about that about two weeks ago because her husband died and she said sometimes you are mad and sometimes you are ok. I feel like I am not being normal. I keep worrying about stuff that's dumb that I said and how I didn't thank everyone and when some people came over I didn't even realize they were there and then I was like- dude what's wrong with me? I feel awful that I'm not back at work yet and also I don't like going to counseling with the kids I have to pretend everything is OK and was Ok and keep my professionalism level high. Also I'm fairly sure that I've said things to people I shouldn't have and didn't really mean.
Probably this post is a mistake. I'm into making mistakes right now.
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