Dear New Girl at the Gym and all new people...

Dear new person at the gym childcare today,

I feel like I should explain.
Hi I'm Janae. I noticed today you were talking to my daughter during my yoga class. Well more like consoling her while she cried uncontrollably. I saw your slightly helpless expression as she told me she just misses him so much. I told her to go to the red zone and give back her sticker. I told her we weren't getting a smoothie at orange peel.

I should explain.
I go to yoga because I read this blog about how to deal with grief and it said crying in yoga is good. Today in yoga actually I was really hot and kind of tired. My right leg felt super tight and I'm stressed about money stuff. Like really stressed. It's time to reassess my life. I really loved my shirt and I was so hot I did yoga in my sports bra and pants and I feel really body positive about it.

Every time I get all introspective and tired like that I should know my kids are exploding somehow. But you are new. I feel like I should explain. Her dad died a little over a year ago. We have goals of what to do when she cries and it used to last over three hours a day. But you are new. Once we disastrously met someone swimming that happened to be a dad less than a month after her dad died. She couldn't play with those girls she had to cry the whole time. Because she didn't have a dad. She just needed someone to come and say- I know you have this whole where your dad was.

You're new. You need to know. The boys will explain their dad over chips and then say he is watching over them. Danielle asked if she would ever see him again and I said not here on this earth on the way to the car. She asked again about orange peel she didn't get the memo that I'm trying to not spend money I don't have. I didn't explain to her. I just said lets go home and I'll make dinner. I missed my swim. Because she was crying. Because there was someone new that needed to know.

I should explain that a little while ago she was in counseling our church paid for. 90 dollars twice a week. Then they couldn't and I think there is a group in salt lake we could join but she wants her old counselor and I can barely get to really hot yoga but I'm getting more organized. I feel like when I'm stressed sometimes she feels it and that can trigger her feelings. Some people are really sensitive to that right? Every new person needs to be told the story.

I met some people the other day but didn't have the energy so I just went with divorced. I'm really getting better at side stepping personal questions. It's just easier than what you experienced.

I know it's hard for new people. And yes it's still hard and no we didn't get life insurance and no they don't see family a lot. Some. No not every week. But some. People don't know what to say or do. They really don't so they just sort of want it to go away. No I'm not handling it as well as I want to and I haven't been as good a friend as I should. Yes I've gotten help but. I don't know how to explain. Thank you for hugging my daughter while she cried about her dad. She needed you to know. So next time she can be silly and know that you know.

Janae


Today was a hard day.
I should also explain I opened this gofundme thing up. I sort of wanted to do a memorial right when John died and I wanted everyone to share it and then everyone has the best college plan and I get donations and because college and medical and sometimes I have this dream where it gets crazy popular and then I take my kids to national parks and we do yoga and don't have to worry about if I need a job that pays enough to pay for rent and medical and car and real life and we can take pictures and go to orange peel after she cries in yoga. Plus run on sentences are always good.

 I was surprised about today. If you know someone with a hard loss I think when you meet them - they will need you to know. That's what I've learned about kids. They sort of aren't afraid to need. Even if it's been a little over a year.

http://www.gofundme.com/2hsy88jc

Only a Fool Thinks That Life Will Wait

My kids watched the good dinosaur. Then they saw johns family. Now they are watching the John movie. The song he wrote says :
"Sometimes life knocks you down, but always it goes on. The only things you can count out- are the dreams that you count on.
Only fools set their hearts on dreams you can't achieve, and only a fool things that life will wait and give him time to grieve."
I think there was a lot of hope in the belief that life just goes on. Everyone is so full of no excuses and goals. What if our goal was just to be present? What if we could let go of our anger for someone that hurt us? Lately I've been overwhelmed by the people who demand "every story has two sides." I don't always love listening to the same song over and over when it's essentially about dying dreams from a singer that committees suicide.  The person who destroyed my dream of a happy family and some of my faith in humanity. He owed me a lot when he died and I'll never get that dream back. For me my body demands  time and I've been able to stop and learn what death of someone that hurt me would mean. For me it's just emphasized my belief that we are all fragile beings stumbling forward. Not everyone wants what's good and not everyone makes it, like our dreams that die,
I hope it goes on. I hope to live a life that recognizes the immediacy of humanity. To be able to love those that have hurt me because their happiness doesn't change my dream.
Give it time. Your dreams will change into something more beautiful than you can know.
I'm convinced that there is enough goodness for those that want goodness for everyone.

I hope my kids see the beauty behind a song telling us that life doesn't care about us.