Social Security

Today I took my daughter to a triathlon and someone asked me if my husband was racing that day and I said I was divorced but then I was like- yeah it's still appropriate for me to say divorced not that he's dead right? because I'm not a widow.. Weird. Either way we quickly changed the subject since she probably didn't actually care about the absent racing husband she was just being friendly.

When I went to social security it turns out john was working since our divorce and earning money.
so he wasn't paying for other reasons and I'm just so tired of drama.
No one is doing probate for him or they just aren't telling me anything and I want to scream about it. I don't want to have to get an attorney to find answers. When John died I was suing him for contempt because he would never turn over his earnings which makes sense because he was lying to ORS and me based on the information the IRS had.

I want to punch people that I worked so hard and someone could just lie so much. Then my friend says to walk away. I want to be one of those people who just has that walk away attitude and doesn't ruminate on things.
Except I'm not good at pretending things don't exist or pretending I didn't do something. I want to have some glorious release and leave it up to Karma which I KNOW catches up to people. The only person you are hurting when you hold on to hurt is yourself. except when people are actually doing things that you can get a court order against like when John wouldn't pay and almost went to jail. Then he started paying through voluntary garnishment. I mean in some cases people can't just ignore their problems and hide like cowards. In other cases you should just let it go and not beat something to death. Or try to get sympathy from strangers on the internet since even if they don't know what happened to you- in the end they don't actually care a ton because they have their own problems to worry about.

I've always sort of thought if you care enough to whine about something you should care enough to do something about it. At the same time I don't like fighting with people or talking about my feelings.  being surprised that someone who was super mentally ill wasn't able to manage paying for his kids is illogical. He had huge issues but I'm over here still upset that I've had to fight so hard and don't feel like people saw that. Like when people posted that he loved his kids and I wanted to punch them. It's not about whether he loved them it's about me feeling like things weren't fair.

so over I went to the social security office. I didn't feel well since I had a car accident the day before. The guy kept talking to me because he was super friendly but I was a little emotional overwhelmed I didn't want to get to know someone while we were talking about if my ex husband had any other children. uhhh I don't think so. yeah let's talk about other stuff and all the people who come in and their estate planner tells them how much they will get. Also ex wife survivor benefits seem pretty intense. Like this is all a little intense for me I didn't want my life to be turned upside down. I've lost faith in humanity a little this year and also seen some awesome people. They showed me his SS earnings of the past little while and told me what I would get.
and i will really get it. like reliably. for the first time since John moved out I know what to expect. Less than what he would have paid but it's so strange to just know. I like closure and I like knowing. It would be nice to know if john had any money in his bank or where the hell he was working the last few years. We didn't talk though.

Pick your battles wisely, like you decide if you say the children's dad is dead or just leave it at divorced.