Bluffing.

So John died this week.
I'm surprised how much of a mess I am.

One of the things that has happened that has been the most hard is people messaging me with memories and seeing the pictures of John to send to people. When we got divorced I felt like my soul was being torn in half and I was surprised how cruel some people were to me. Also about three weeks ago John started sort of messaging me crazy stuff. Like- I love you forever and I wish we could talk one last time and I was like- stop what you are doing.
When John and I were dating we talked about having kids and career stuff. He told me one of the things he really liked about me was that if something happened to him I would be able to take care of things. We decided we wanted one person home with the kids and wanted to acknowledge that in terms of bang for your buck it makes more sense for a guy to work since they earn more for the same work. Plus John had a strong need to provide.
"but what will happen if one day I get in an accident and you have to work?"
he asked
"we'll be RICH!!!"
I mean I was joking around but it's weird how those are the things that you remember when those things actually happen. This whole time I've been working I was thinking about my promise to John that we will be rich. I was going to school for some time and then Danielle started really struggling and I decided I need to be with my kids. I've been promoted three times at work in less than three years. I didn't actually think I would be able to take care of the kids alone or feel like I was a capable mom at any point. I mean it's flattering when someone seems to believe in you but I wondered why in the world that would be a factor for someone in choosing whom they marry- but then plan for them to be a stay at home parent. And hearing you could really go through stuff and be strong isn't exactly what every girl is dreaming to hear.
It's like how when I date people and I ask what they want in a relationship and they say "I just want someone who makes me laugh every day" and I'm like- SWEET! I'M HILARIOUS AND EVERY GUY CARES TONS ABOUT THAT!!!!!
oh wait. No guy. No guy says that. ever.
I feel a lot of pressure. All the feelings. I don't feel like I can actually make good on my promise most days. I was bluffing. I mean realistically I still feel like I'm bluffing. I'm like- yeah sure no big deal here. OH WAIT THIS TIME IT IS A BIG DEAL.

So we will be rich.

Butterscotch Oatmeal Cookies

My daughter hates chocolate chips. Every week when I make cookies she sort of shrugs and says- you made the one's I don't like again.
Then she brings those crappy cookies to her friends. So every now and then I make ones she loves (or I just make multiple batches or split the dough and don't add chocolate chips to hers.)  Today Little Mr. was grouchy that there were no chocolate chip cookies. so he cried and crumpled on the floor in a heap of sadness and misery.
It's hard when your mom ruins her ONE JOB to provide you with chocolate chip cookies of various flavors every week.
These are pretty good cookies. I don't love butterscotch.

Recipe for Butterscotch Oatmeal Cookies

1 stick of margarine
1 stick of butter- unsalted I used Whole Foods butter. I like fancier butter normally but that's a different post.
1 1/4 cup light brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
add chilled butter and margarine. Mix 30 seconds then scrape sides of the bowl. then cream for 2 minutes

3 large eggs
2 tsp vanilla
add eggs one at a time with vanilla

1 cup pancake mix
2 cups white flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
this mixture should be stirred gently with a whisk- for best results sift the flour before you measure it out then spoon the flour into your cup measure and level the top.

2/3 cup oatmeal
1.5 bags Butterscotch chips
1/2 bag white chocolate chips

mix together and scoop onto cookie sheets with cookie scoop. I used parchment paper to line my cookie sheets and baked for 11 minutes at 350 for a smaller sized scoop.

Bucket List.

Hello pink helmet. I love you.

Guys I have to tell you that I am GOOD at resolutions and goals
I also have clinical depression.
Let's go over some of my successes with resolutions
2 years ago new years resolution- COOK.
owned the crap out of that one. I cooked MORE THAN ONCE that year.
Last year- Do MY HAIR
not only did I do my hair once- for some of the year I had a progressive goal where my hair was done several times a week. Now Carla at work helps me braid my hair and I rock the day after braid wavy hair and people think I have naturally wavy hair which I DO NOT but my new years resolution has rocked.
This year- Wear Makeup. Not as much a goal honestly but I have finished this goal.

One of the reasons I thought about the goals recently was that a friend of mine messaged me that he was going through a bad divorce and his wife cheated on him and he knew that I had gone through some tough times but looked pretty healthy. Someone told me it looked like I landed on my feet and I almost choked with shock. I did not land on my feet. My friends and family dragged my ass up and I'm stumbling forward with very little grace.
I try to think about what the ideal me would do- about what a healthy person would do in my circumstances. Then I visualize that and when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning I do that. I take a picture and post it online. So I am literally getting out of bed so I can post that picture and look like I am loving my life. I did that in my divorce. I wanted to die and stop existing so I finally thought to myself- I wonder what all the happy people are doing. If I can shape my actions after what they are doing then one day I will wake up and it will be real- I will be a happy person. I think patterns shape us just like ritual shapes us in religion. We practice the patterns that we need to shape our humanity. When I was really depressed I would go running and just count to 100 over and over again so I didn't just think about dying.

Most of the people (all) that read this know that I have had post partum depression and dealt with depression since my divorce. (Hi [ex but whatever] sister in law I'm still friends with and you read my blog you've probably already heard this story and I LOVE YOUR GUTS!) The other day I got really bad again and started thinking about my fall back methods on dealing with it. I suddenly woke up and I was like- what happened to me I don't know if I can do this anymore? I had been doing pretty well for a long time so it surprised me. My friends came and helped and I went back to- get out of bed. care for children. be alive. don't be horrible to people.
Then yesterday I went to counseling LIKE A BOSS and she asked me what I do when I'm struggling with depression. I told her about my patterning- that I write down the things that the ideal me would do then I do them. Maybe I post a picture online or check them off my list.  I PASSED COUNSELING. no one tell me that it isn't pass fail because if you don't think it is- newsflash- you are failing counseling.  I was happy she told me that's a healthy coping mechanism. I knew Pinterest was part of the secret of life!
It's what I told my friend. Write down specifically who you want to be and imagine what that person would do. Do those things. Fake it some more and then post a picture and be happy about it.
My goals are part of my list. I will do these things. One day you will wake up and be the person you wanted to be. But then she will slip away and you will have to remake her again. Keep making the list. Keep getting up. Even if you don't want to.

I like to focus on goals that are specific but also nebulous. Once and done or ongoing- you decide. Today I noticed on my Timehop app that I put on my bucket list to learn how to swim. And guess what? ten billion dollars of lessons later and a horrible affliction of eczema and I know how to swim.  With my face in the water. I also know a LOT about lotion options. I signed up for a triathlon and the other day I was talking to somewhat more legitimate real life athletes with beautiful perfect swimming bodies and instagram accounts full of fit pregnancy photos and I was like- dude. If I can swim at all and not die- I'm pretty much my own hero.
You know- I keep my goals realistic. I finished my first triathlon. I didn't really try to go fast is that bad? I realized I was just out there biking on some joy ride when people asked me my time. I was like- wait I was supposed to be telling you my time? BECAUSE I SWAM AND DIDN'T DIE PEOPLE. Everyone outside my life is like- dude you are hardcore and triathlon people are like- why are you here? and I'm like- hey look at my pink bike helmet doesn't it rock?
I don't know if I really like triathlons. I signed up for a half ironman for secret personal reasons and now I don't know if I'm going to finish or want to do it even or why I'm even there but I have this training plan and I like checking things off my list. I still like just riding my bike for fun and I still like walking sometimes when I run but I'm sort of having a blast here.
I feel proud of myself for doing well with my goals. The other day I was talking to someone who qualified for Boston and I was like- maybe I want to do that someday even though I've only done a half marathon in under 2 hours once and I am NOT a talented runner. I started running because I was so bad at it that I figured if I could learn to run I could conquer anything in my life.

I can do this whole Ironman thing- I think I need more time then I feel like I should be spending more time with my kids. The IRONMAN PEOPLE ARE HARDCORE. I also frequently don't want to get out of bed at all. My life wasn't what I planned and some days I miss being with my kids and start to resent not having what I wanted. This should not be happening. My kids should have two parents that are involved. I should have gone to advanced schooling programs when they were available. I should have my kids in more lessons. I should still have my house. I shouldn't still struggle with depression I should be over it by now. I should also have a better body and work on that more...
Then I throw those things away and get out my pinterest checklist.
In the end I can swim. I never thought I would want to learn how to do that and it's amazing how many people have helped me and how I can still be proud of myself for little accomplishments no one else can see.
Plus I have an adorable Pink helmet.
Just wanted to say. Check- one more thing on the list.

Birthday List

Every year I get to write down things that I want that wouldn't really ever get myself or expect other people to get me. Then my sister Claire looks at it and says it's ridiculous which is the point.

Welcome to the birthday list. Also my birthday this year isn't on mother's day which is a gift in and of itself.

Here is my Birthday List.

1. I think I want a lexus SUV hybrid car. Every year we have a car on this list which I probably won't get but I always put them on. OK one time my husband got me a Toyota Highlander but none of you are my husband last time I checked.
2. https://www.betabrand.com/referrals/landing/friend/?r=5wk Dress Pants Yoga Pants. I really only have black ones. I'm a size Medium I get the petite ones. DRESS PANTS YOGA PANTS RULE THE WORLD FOREVER.
3. Non Stick Frying pans. The test pans from Williams Sonoma are the best or from anywhere really. OK I only like fancy frying pans don't die of shock I worked at Williams Sonoma for a while I'm a snob.
4. Chevron Workout pants from Betty Designs. OK I want the Tri suits too but I have no idea what size I would be. I'm probably a large.
5. More High Heels. Like THESE ones from Betsey Johnson. size 8.5 I love all shoes. oh Maybe I need more climbing shoes! Or fuzzy slippers I can wear around the house.
6. Fiestaware Peacock colored dinnerware. They retired my color. I can't even say the expletives that come to mind with that.
7. Cute and completely non-functional tops from Lulu Lemon I totally love their underwear as well. size 8 or 6. 
8. Stay in a Cabin- maybe at Sundance. For a weekend and talk to no one CarolAnn are you listening? hmm. My dream of the silent vacation is still alive and well.
9. POC Sunglasses. and socks.
10. babysitting in the evening. and somewhere I can go and talk to no one...
11. Work out Swimming suits. Athleta has some really cute ones.
12. Massage- Carol does a great job...
13. Initial Pendant from Bon Levy. Contact my good friend Daniel. WHO NEEDS TO COME VISIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY!
14. Stuff for cookies. Chocolate chips. cookie Cutters. The Alison's Cookie Party online course... Sprinkles and icing. Cookie decorating stuff. New cookie scoops. whatever. I make a lot of cookies.
15. A trip to Hawaii. I think I need to go to that Yoga boarding thing. Or one of those Yoga vacations where you meditate a lot. I like Yoga. My friend Jessica has these awesome laser cut leggings for Yoga and she's awesome at Yoga.  Hot yoga totally helps with running.
16. Stationery from Emily McDowell I love her.
17. Tablecloths. round 70 inch...
18. good books to read for my silent vacation.  or maybe a vegan cookbook. Or a bread cookbook I broke my Bosch bowl so I haven't been making as much bread. Maybe I need a new Bosch bowl... but I miss making all my own bread that was fun.
19. a race entry to some marathon or half ironman or half marathon or something. I mean I love medals and I don't have any planned after Boise 70.3 and that's weird.
20. A mountain bike. Or something from my extensive Pinterest wish list lol.
21. Skiing or snow boarding lessons. I think I'll finally learn this year. I was going to last year but it was too warm...

oh dear. That wasn't as fun as it used to be. I just feel greedy. I don't really need anything for my birthday I have a sort of awesome life right now.

Meditation On Cookies

One time at one of the first yoga sessions I ever went to the teacher said we should always come to class with a goal- with something to meditate about. because coming isn't enough anymore. This is no zumba class where you just get to shake your booty you have to control your mind as well as your aching hamstrings. 

So every time for the next year when I went to yoga with that teacher I had a goal. Be good at yoga. Do all the poses. More than that- BE GOOD AT YOGA. That was my goal. Show up and do the poses. Meditation is the same way. My goal- Clear my mind. thoughts- be good at clearing my mind.  so. much. pressure.   We don't all need to be told that in addition to not being able to roll up like a pretzel then to the splits at the same time we need to be thinking about solving world hunger. So sometimes how my goal is thinking how I would change it. Which is why every Sunday we do Above and Beyond Yoga. And about the meditation-  Maybe I should lead everyone in ruminating. WHY CAN'T WE PRACTICE THAT I ROCK AT THAT. Quick everyone take a break from down dog and write down three things someone else got away with that they shouldn't have.  I will take a break for the people I think are being ridiculous at the gym. NO I'M NOT WATCHING YOU I PROMISE. Except you girl with the adorable leggings with lace at the bottom from the website work and sweat. And you boob job number 12 I've seen today at the gym since arriving 5 minutes ago. and you girl who humps the weights machine. What is that about? What are you even working out? At least she had cute lululemon pants on.

really no one likes down dog anyway we can take a few breaks. Except for ridiculously hot yoga man I think he should be making the poses even more advanced but I'm totally adding him to my list of things I'm upset about. STOP DOING ONE ARMED HANDSTANDS WITH THE REST OF US MORTALS- GO TO GOD YOGA AND STOP RUINING MY MEDITATION ABOUT YOGA BUDDY. 

no don't go you're beautiful.

I even like hot yoga so you can imagine I detest myself and I love exercise clothing and deep conditioner and wear flip flops in winter and need a pedicure.

In other news-

I've been swimming a lot. it makes me tired. like all day tired and I have blisters on my feet from training with flippers and I wear a super unflattering bathing suit with one of those ultra ugly swim caps on the daily. And I like it. I usually swim next to some ridiculously fit guy with a collection of ironman caps and no splash. WHY ARE YOU FASTER THAN I AM WHEN I WEAR FLIPPERS AND USE THOSE HAND PADDLES. STOP NOW! I can't keep them all strait because they are all swimming all the time. Maybe there's actually only three of them. Hey guys- some of us need swimming lessons and in September we couldn't even put our heads under the water and some of us have way way way more body fat than you do. Luckily now I have a heart rate monitor that tells me even if I'm bloody tired all day long after i swim it was only a mild workout. That's almost as rude as the teachers who act like you shouldn't be choking when you are trying to do yoga breathing. WHO CAN MAKE THOSE STRANGE NOISES?!

Anyway today I made cookies and questioned all my life decisions. I still have to make soft butterscotch oatmeal cookies for my friend Annie who is visiting but the oreo stuffed cookies had to happen today because why not. Remember how I will send you cookies now if you click here and buy them? well I will and it will be glorious. You can also make them they are a lot like the kit cat cookies. See what I did there? that's my pinterest. 

Anyway back to swimming and how it relates to cookie Sunday and yoga. I went swimming today. I did 10 sets of 200s. or something I forget. I thought about sitting in the hot tub but then I realized I had to go home to make cookies in time for church. ThEN CAME RUMINATING! BEST EVER!!!    I looked back and had that moment where you finally see what everyone else was telling you and think about what a bad place you were in about someone toxic.  Next week is the 3 year anniversary of my married life falling apart and my husband telling me he cheated on me and realizing it was a pattern from his phone. He was so angry at me. Now he might go to jail for non-payment since he avoided it in PA by moving.  3 years I've been doing this parenting thing pretty much alone and I've worked my way to have a job that pays for all my kids and I think I've finally found what I want to do with my life. Then finally at the end of the ruminating I realized I sort of had peace- I'm just way happier and I don't even recognize who I was before everything fell apart. I had no idea how strong I was or what I would go through.

3 years and tons of help. And tons of cookies. I made cookies to have a pattern- whenever life is falling apart I find myself setting a new goal and falling back on the patterns I've set. Go swimming every day- make cookies- go to work- go running. At first I was going through the motions of the life I wanted and it has become the life I want. Maybe that's what the yoga poses are supposed to be when I'm focused on straightening my back leg. 

Work is awesome I just got a job that I'm going to love. I'm close to my goal weight. I don't think I will drown during my first half ironman in June.We become the patterns we make for ourselves- so look at who you want to be and start moving.

Make sure you are using your yoga breathing during this time. and think about your goal. 

Mine? be good at yoga.

Happy Valentines Day! Cookie Orders

Valentine's Day Cookies Pre-Sale

Want some cookies? It's Valentine's Day soon and while I have terrible taste in men I do make great cookies. Then my sister said I should sell them. AND I MAKE THEM ANYWAY. You could also give cookies to a loved one- you or someone else.
So here's the deal. I made a cute little paypal button BUT it includes shipping cost. If you are local to Lehi Utah (and you know me or work with me) just send the money to my paypal email address claireandjanae@gmail.com. I need to pre-sell the cookies so I can buy all the ingredients so the sooner you get your order in the better.

Prices for stuffed cookies are $22 for a dozen. Those are ones with oreos or caramels or other beautiful things in them- they are the custom option.
The cookies are giant so you will be able to eat all your feelings. They can even be your valentine. They might be mine but hey- they've never disappointed me or said my kids are unruly. They've never been a douchebag. Cookies are honest and they love you. Or they are the perfect present because FOOD IS LOVE. I can make any of the ones listed on this site the most common ones are on the drop down.

I will ship cookie orders Priority Mail which has a couple days. overnight shipping costs a lot so if you want that it's 20 dollars more than normal shipping (holy shipping).


Scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN for the buy me button. Or if you know me which I think everyone who reads this does come talk to me.

Happy Valentine's Day!
xoxo Janae 

Types of Cookies

24 sugar sprinkles small $18.00 USD 12 Smores $20.00 USD 12 chocolate chip $18.00 USD 12 large sugar frosted $18.00 USD 12 triple chocolate $20.00 USD 12 peanut butter chocolate $18.00 USD Pick your own 12 $18.00 USD 12 chocolate pudding $18.00 USD

Nutella Chocolate Chip Cookies

Nutella Chocolate Chip Cookies

I love Nutella.
BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES NUTELLA.

Here's a cookie Recipe.

1 cup margarine- chilled. One stick slightly softened.
1 cup nutella at room temperature
1 cup white sugar
1.5 cup brown sugar

mix together- cream sugar for 2 minutes at medium speed

2 extra large eggs
3 tsp vanilla

add 1 egg at a time

3 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cornstarch
1 tsp salt

add the dry ingredients in three parts

1.5 cups white chocolate chips
1 cup milk chocolate chips
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips

mix

chill mixture for at least 4 hours up to one day

scoop out the cookies onto cookie sheets lined with aluminum foil or baking paper.
bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes or until done.
I mean, I would eat them again.

Follow me on Pinterest! http://www.pinterest.com/claireandjanae/