Salt Lake City Marathon

I love running. It's something that has taught me more about myself than anything else I've tried before. I don't race though. I get medals for working out which I deserve.

Remember that one time I overshared?
yeah me neither. Except yes. I do remember that. That happens in my life. Sometimes it helps people sometimes not. Well this is a sort of personal post. Basically to say I'm an ambassador for the Salt Lake City Marathon. I have a discount code. It's for 5 dollars off any race and it's janaeslc16 so on checkout you pick me as your Lifetime ambassador and use a code to save 5 dollars. http://www.saltlakecitymarathon.com/ is the site to sign up.
Guys this last little while has been really hard. I've missed my kids like crazy and wanted to give up on everything I've worked hard to get in the past few years. So I post happy things on instagram and go to work and make little goals like get up, show up, and don't quit life. I also sign up for races.
Let me  tell you a little about myself. If you haven't known me before here's a picture of me a while ago. When I say a little while ago I mean I weighed over 200 lbs in this picture. I have a bracelet from showing up at the hospital when Danielle was born. 257 lbs. I had pitting edema.  I had been on bedrest for a lot of my pregnancy. My blood pressure was super high.
I was miserable.

You probably haven't ever seen a picture of me at this weight. There weren't many. One day my sister was like- yeah but when did you become one of those people that never has pictures of themselves? Everything on your facebook is of your kids, it would be nice to see you sometimes.

I took some pictures. I hated them. I became one of those people over 200 lbs. I hated almost everything about my body. I've always worked out. Didn't lose a lot of weight.

My friend Linda asked me to sign up for the Salt Lake City Half Marathon. I was like- yeah I'm a terrible runner. I am. I started running because I had no natural talent at running but there was a girl name Karen in my church group and she was a runner and she was beautiful. So I would count to 100 then stop and walk. Then count to 100. My feet would go numb. I legs hurt. I was stepping wrong. I pounded the ground. I held my neck wrong. I was breathing wrong. I signed up. I tried to train in the morning before work with a Hal Higdon marathon training plan that I copied from online.

I had IT band pain. My sister who was a massage therapist would give me a massage after every run. I missed a lot of long runs. My longest run was actually 7 miles before the race. It was miserable. I was still counting to 100. This was the first major marathon after the Boston bombings and it was a great experience. Actually it was cold and raining and I coudn't get the right playlist going on my phone so it kept re-starting. I thought I was going to die for like 60% of it. I walked.

It took me over 3 hours to finish. I went to my mom's house and slept for hours. My friend went to hike zions that day. I couldn't walk the next day.

Then I decided that I was going to finally run a marathon like I had on my bucket list. I hated running. Every minute of it was pure hell. I met with an orthopedic surgeon who specialized in running. I got a controversial shot of cortisone in my knee. I met with a trainer to help me build my strength so I wouldn't have IT band problems.

I lost some weight. Like sort of a lot of weight. Most of my marathon training was also on a treadmill while my kids were in daycare. I'm a single mom I missed some of my long runs since I didn't organize myself enough to have childcare. My sister gave me a massage after long runs. I ran the marathon. I think at some point I was passed by a 79 year old wearing an inspirational shirt about having done one billion million marathons.

I had a terrible time. I actually had missed enough training that I considered just doing the half then at the turnoff I felt OK. So I made a horrible mistake. I went on the marathon course. It was beautiful. The weather was nice. I didn't run a step after mile 21. I thought I broke my foot. I kept saying- this is the most painful thing I've ever done. Then I said- well having a baby with no drugs was worse. - then I was like- yeah but it was WAY faster. I hated it. Then I signed up for another race that day. I could walk the next day.
I did the 5K with my daughter. She likes to say "I'm faster than you are" but she sometimes walks too.

Running saved my life in so many ways. The adjustment of being a single mom from being so miserable and hating myself and where I was- that was hard for me. I remember the first time I actually like- wait this is what a runners high is- this is what they are describing. This one one year after my marathon- on mile 9 of a half marathon.

I've lost a lot of weight with working out and running and eating healthy. People ask me how I do it. I tell them I do it slowly. I lose a 10-20 lbs a year. Sometimes I don't lose any weight. I have to focus on it. Running taught me two things.
First- I'm slow at these things. I'm not a fast runner. I've improved a lot. It's Ok to be slow.
Second- I'm not very positive. I hated being chubby. I wished my body could do more. and I'm still not where I want to be. It's OK to be where you are. I was never one of the people who suddenly saw the light and never doubted myself.
You don't have to be fast. You don't have to be positive. You just sign up and get up.
I don't usually celebrate the journey. I'm not always happy with where I'm at because I'm not at goal weight. I like to challenge myself. I always thought- if I can run a marathon I can do anything. I could be faster. I could be thinner. I could have polished this blog post more.

It is enough. I wish I could share the confidence I've gained through running. I wish I could share the knowledge that you can go from being a stay at home mom to being a marathon runner who earns enough to pay for her kiddos. If you can run. you can do anything. I can't do everything, but I would love to do this run with you. You can save 5 dollars with my code too.

Here's to your journey.

Social Security

Today I took my daughter to a triathlon and someone asked me if my husband was racing that day and I said I was divorced but then I was like- yeah it's still appropriate for me to say divorced not that he's dead right? because I'm not a widow.. Weird. Either way we quickly changed the subject since she probably didn't actually care about the absent racing husband she was just being friendly.

When I went to social security it turns out john was working since our divorce and earning money.
so he wasn't paying for other reasons and I'm just so tired of drama.
No one is doing probate for him or they just aren't telling me anything and I want to scream about it. I don't want to have to get an attorney to find answers. When John died I was suing him for contempt because he would never turn over his earnings which makes sense because he was lying to ORS and me based on the information the IRS had.

I want to punch people that I worked so hard and someone could just lie so much. Then my friend says to walk away. I want to be one of those people who just has that walk away attitude and doesn't ruminate on things.
Except I'm not good at pretending things don't exist or pretending I didn't do something. I want to have some glorious release and leave it up to Karma which I KNOW catches up to people. The only person you are hurting when you hold on to hurt is yourself. except when people are actually doing things that you can get a court order against like when John wouldn't pay and almost went to jail. Then he started paying through voluntary garnishment. I mean in some cases people can't just ignore their problems and hide like cowards. In other cases you should just let it go and not beat something to death. Or try to get sympathy from strangers on the internet since even if they don't know what happened to you- in the end they don't actually care a ton because they have their own problems to worry about.

I've always sort of thought if you care enough to whine about something you should care enough to do something about it. At the same time I don't like fighting with people or talking about my feelings.  being surprised that someone who was super mentally ill wasn't able to manage paying for his kids is illogical. He had huge issues but I'm over here still upset that I've had to fight so hard and don't feel like people saw that. Like when people posted that he loved his kids and I wanted to punch them. It's not about whether he loved them it's about me feeling like things weren't fair.

so over I went to the social security office. I didn't feel well since I had a car accident the day before. The guy kept talking to me because he was super friendly but I was a little emotional overwhelmed I didn't want to get to know someone while we were talking about if my ex husband had any other children. uhhh I don't think so. yeah let's talk about other stuff and all the people who come in and their estate planner tells them how much they will get. Also ex wife survivor benefits seem pretty intense. Like this is all a little intense for me I didn't want my life to be turned upside down. I've lost faith in humanity a little this year and also seen some awesome people. They showed me his SS earnings of the past little while and told me what I would get.
and i will really get it. like reliably. for the first time since John moved out I know what to expect. Less than what he would have paid but it's so strange to just know. I like closure and I like knowing. It would be nice to know if john had any money in his bank or where the hell he was working the last few years. We didn't talk though.

Pick your battles wisely, like you decide if you say the children's dad is dead or just leave it at divorced.

Strava Cookie Sunday

So this week I have written like 5 posts and deleted them. Mostly thinking about the perfect candidate for a newlywed Blog. I would KILL at writing newlywed blog posts. Like my advice would save the freaking world. Maybe I'll have rotating new husbands. This is the best thing ever. So many marriage pinterest boards.
As it is I decided it was finally time to learn how to do royal icing and made Strava cookies this week.

I had a shortbread recipe I just didn't do any sort of topping. I put them in the pan and dusted them with flour and used my silicone rolling pin to make sure they were even on the pan. used a spatula to even out the edges as well. I've tried a few shortbread recipes and my friend Laura has the best one. shortbread is dangerous- we've all had those stupid Christmas cookies with the giant sanding sugar that sort of taste good and then BAAM I've eaten an entire tin of cookies.

the only thing is- I'm not really great at making royal icing. I want a pastry bag I think. I googled the recipe for royal icing and picked one to mess with. Here's how I made it

2 medium egg whites

2.5 cups powdered sugar

1 tsp water

1/4 tsp vanilla

mix well. it seemed pretty fluid. I put my frosting in a plastic bag with a tiny hole cut in the corner. my first hole was too big. I learned a lot since this was my first project- like i should have had a tiny bit more water an traced the pattern I wanted then used a thinner filler.  

I'm pretty sure I'll be working on this more. These cookies are about the size of a post it note deck. You should always cut the shortbread as soon as it comes out of the oven so it's easy to cut and nice. I think if you use a hot knife you can still have a crisp edge. I used my Shun knives.

In other news I've really felt lucky lately. I have great friends and it's great to meet people who are respectful and value each other. I'm shocked at how some people act and I just don't think I could live with that kind of Karma on my back. Probably just naive of me.

If I'm not careful I'll turn into one of the everything happens for a reason people.

I will give away all my sins to know thee

So I used to write a post every Sunday about church and stuff.  You should look at them they are great. Then I sort of started writing about Cookies. Because I'm not ultra creative at thinking of new ideas for active religion for children ages 8 and under I'll just stick with baking cookies every week. It was a rare case of me starting something that wasn't part of my extensive New Years Resolution plan.

Which I decided to revisit this Sunday by looking around my house and noticing that I had not gotten rid of things I wasn't using like I meant to. So I started that process. My friend said just to get rid of anything that I hadn't used in a year. Well THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE WHO CAN DO THAT? certainly no one who has ever quilted in their lives. Or anyone that has a deep and abiding love of power tools and paper products.

Today I was out hiking again because I was having a hard day. I think when things get hard I go to the mountains and keep going until everything sort of washes out of me. I think about religion when I'm in the mountains.  I have conversations I'm never going to have in person. Today I thought about talking to John and our last phone conversation.  He kept saying he was sorry and I asked him to stop. Then he got mad because his speech was slurred and I didn't know if it was one of the times he acted to to freak me out or if it was from him having a stroke. John and I used to hike a lot. I told the kids that- we went on most of the paths in Utah Valley and talked about everything.

Then I thought about my bishop saying he didn't understand why this hit me so hard.  I wonder the same thing. I wonder why a month after John died when everyone was over it I sort of felt it roll over me again when Mark told someone that he was glad his dad had a grave and he could go see it. My friend whose brother committed suicide messaged me that day and said she expected me to be struggling. This has been the most confusing year of my life and also the most clear.  I feel sort of bad for people who met me after October.  In like a year they will be like- man you are nothing like when I met you and I'll be like- I know. I can swim now. In the mountains I thought about how beautiful it was to see the ones who continue on broken. I used to really respect people who said they were unbreakable.

I'm not one of those people. 

My bishop asked me about Alma 22 and if I remembered it. Which was interesting because of course I know it. I was always fascinated by the thoughts there. In it a king hears about Christ and the promise of salvation. He prays and says "I will give away all my sins to know thee."

If you've read some of my earlier posts that I deleted a while ago since they talked about John who passed away you would know that some things about church are confusing for me. At first I wasn't going to talk about them because it's really hard for people you love to see you change and then not be in a certain direction. Or to right a really emotional blog entry then people are all up in arms worrying about you but as soon as you wrote it all the worry sort of floated away.

 Friends need to know where you stand. Then someone messages me that they are also in a different place. That they don't know where things are. We are safe together and it's OK not to know everything. I don't know if we can let go of all of our doubts like this guy who would give away everything to know God. It's even harder than getting rid of the stuff I don't use.

 I'm fascinated by the idea of people who would give away anything for God. I wonder what that God looks like. Maybe it's the God of the people who come together and help each other and remember the people who didn't make it. Maybe it's that God that gets things together for the homeless. I think it's that God that tells us making the world more beautiful for someone else is the best thing. That God made the mountains. 

A lot of religious blogs have such a definite feel- hi I decided with finality that I'm not Mormon- or Hi I've decided no matter what Jesus forever.  Like my old mission president who said he was at peace that John wouldn't be sick anymore and he was in a better place.  I'm kind of more like- Hi... still in a strange place. Not really inspiring anyone over here or getting rid of all the crap in my garage. Maybe if I did it as a Sunday thoughts blog post we would all come together and have one giant religious yard sale.
This will be the best Sunday Thoughts post ever.
Dear God-
I would give away all the crap in my garage just to know you. Except the fabric I really like. You can't have that it's mine. Except on the days when the kids knock it over and I ask myself why I even bother.

Who we are is a fluid and breaking thing.  I felt better after I went to the same place I went when I found out John was dead. The water is lower now but everything is greener.

Happy Father's Day

A few years ago I blogged about Father's day. http://janaeandjohnskids.blogspot.com/search?q=father%27s+day it was so happy. This year was so different. We visited John's grave on Father's Day. So you can imagine that this post is going to be a little emotional...

John's mom met us at the grave.  I posted this picture about the kids being sad. I didn't mention that it was hot as blazes that day and that grandma Janet brought strawberries. I didn't mention that my littlest one tried to steal the pinwheels from the kids' graves like HE ALWAYS DOES. Or that stuffed animals were climbing all over the Jesus statue at one point and Grandma Janet got sprayed with water. Seconds after someone was told not to spray said water.

So that went well. We dropped off flowers that my friend Charla brought over. I even cooked breakfast that morning that my kids didn't eat. We skipped church because I just can't handle father worship day one month after my ex husband died. If my kids started crying just for a second I would have probably lost my marbles.

Two days before I had a slight disagreement with God- because having fights with someone who is never wrong is always a good idea. I told him if he was really a God that inspired people wouldn't someone be talking to me? Sort of like asking for a sign if you will. I mean... uhh. oops.  Then my friend Dana messaged me. Then my friend Charla showed up at my house. Weird. Maybe it was just coincidence that they just told me they felt impressed to say God loves me.
Point God I guess. Every time. I still will most likely start another fight I'm awesome like that. Never give up. I always loved the idea of a loving father that you could always talk to. A perfect father that knew us. Being known and understood and taken care of is such a strong human need. It seems so beautiful to have a Heavenly Father.

That's not really part of the story though that I want to talk about because things with God are complicated and not everyone I loves believes in God and the point is that you need a place for hope when you don't know where else to find hope. The story is about how my ex sister in law posted online that my ex husband loved his kids and I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. She said that John lost a battle with Depression. I asked her to please block me on these posts.

I've been there with the kids taking care of them. It's been a nightmare. I know I've let people down. I've been scrappy and people have helped me over and over. I've learned that I'm not too proud to ask for help. It's been almost everything I was ever afraid of happening with children. My sister is living through the only fear I had that didn't come true.  My sister loves her son and it's been one of the hardest things on earth seeing her struggle with him having ongoing health issues. It just gets tiring sometimes to not see a brighter future. To be so overwhelmed and working so hard for so long that you wonder how much longer the fight will continue. Her husband and her know a different Father's day than most people do. They know the hopeless fight.
John wanting to be in his children's life was one of the top two reasons I married him. I have a pretty narrow view of what parents who love their children do. Like extremely narrow. None of this fits in my parameters. I guess I also have in the past told God what I think a perfect deity would do.

One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was someone posting happy mother's day to his ex wife that cheated on him. It was really simple and included other mother's in his life and I thought it was one of the bravest things I had ever seen. That is someone who really loved his wife. I wondered if I could post that. Where I could just thank them without holding on to things that happened. Or replacing them with a shiny new dad pretending that the old one never existed.

My little old man drew a picture for his dad full of hearts and an ocean of tears. He interrupted the funeral when someone said John called his kids and said- but dad never called us back. I told him dad used to before dad was sick. It gets hard to remember the dad I posted about a few years ago over the noise of life. One of the last conversations with John was full of him saying everyone would know how bad I was.  It wasn't the back and forth that I was jealous of other people having. Not my Instagram post dream. They know their father was sick. One father's day they will know that he took his own life. Maybe we won't be able to save their happiness like I wasn't able to save my marriage or all his family and friends couldn't save John.  In the graveyard we put the flowers on the grave and went wandering around looking at other pinwheels and balloons. I love the flowers. The thing I loved most about John as a father stopped existing through divorce and depression and his death.

Some people remember it though. I remember it. When I forget and it's too painful my friends remind me. Family reminds me. I remind my son that he had a dad that loved him more than anything and told him stories all day with mega man and every single superhero that he could think of doing anything the children imagined. My ex sister in law reminded me when I couldn't see it over my own exhaustion.

We will visit the memories even if they are imagined and a reflection of the hope that love like that exists. That hope is why we have God and why we have each other.


Happy Father's Day John.

Boise 70.3 Race Report

Last Saturday I didn't finish Boise 70.3.

I've read some amazing Race reports. Like Skye who I met at a transition clinic in SugarHouse Park with BAM. You know what I liked about her report? She was describing the pace of the miles she expected to have and it was amazing to think of someone who plans their pace and is that FREAKING FAST. Plus she won. You should read it HERE.  I don't always give my coach as much feedback as I should and I think her race report also showed me a sort of different mindset. A lot of the time I'm out there like- you know- not thinking about pace. and when I'm training I'm like- yeah but if my friends want to do a 3 hour bike ride on a different day then I'M GOING BIKING RIGHT?! I'm so impressed with their race reports. Really great athletes who WIN IRONMAN RACES NO BIG DEAL.
Let me start with why I started doing triathlons. I never wanted to do triathlon. I hate swimming. like hate. I dated a guy who did triathlon and I was like- yeah not happening. Then I started to think well maybe I could learn to swim and maybe I could do one ever. Then someone questioned my ability to do one and it was sort of like- oh yeah? well fine. I'm going to be better at them then you are.
this plan to be better quickly became- I am going to finish one without dying. then- I am going to get out of bed and do some training for this. I swam a lot. I got eczema. I got steroid cream but it didn't do a ton. I had a swim coach. I joined a triathlon team. I made myself talk to people. I got a triathlon coach. I signed up for Boise 70.3 before I really knew how to swim. I tweeted ironman and they recommended Tennessee but that was too soon and I wanted a certain date.
But the date was important to me so I wanted to do this ironman thing. Because I had a miscarriage once and it was close to my due date (OK a bit after) and I like to memorialize things. I think it's important to ritualize things in your life and events. I used to take rocks from the place where something significant happened in my life. I had a rock from when I got engaged and married and mission stuff and my divorce. I just carry rocks. It almost killed me one day when my kids took my rocks. Oh I'm sorry kids your crazy rock collecting mom needs you to step away from her divorce rock thank you very much.!!!!! I used all my mom zen to let the kids take the rocks. They lost the smooth pink one with the streak of white.

In other obsessive behavior news I was sort of working towards this ironman thing as well as I could. As a memorial. I took swimming lessons. I posted on Facebook about how hard it was. I cried a LOT. turns out some of us cry after we swim that's normal. I mean every time you could DROWN. someone once asked me what I was afraid about with swimming. THE DROWNING. Then they joked that you can't die in a wetsuit. Know what? that's incorrect. I don't want to call them liars but I mean- that's a lie. I heard once you could drown in a teaspoon of water and that one Playboy girl Holly wanted to drown herself in a bathtub so you tell me I can't drown in a lake with real living things? I don't want to hear that.
Do love the buoyancy of the wetsuit though.

Then John died.
I think I took it harder than I meant to. Or thought I would. Not that I ever expected it. I know no one really gets it because he was my ex husband so all the feelings are super complicated and mostly I distract myself by being incredibly stressed about money and learning stuff like he didn't have life insurance at work that you get when you commit suicide and blah blah I have a meeting with social security next month and a ton of people have supported my Gofundme which let me be home with my kids this month while I was a MESS that might have lost my job if I was at work. They don't like the not functioning at work- weird. Being home with my kids was actually one of the best things ever I miss them every day.
Getting the death certificate is like getting punched. Even though John was struggling and not always reliable with paying he was there. Them being gone changes everything. It's a hollow place. Also it's a nightmare when you sort of break and a financial nightmare. Still in the middle of the mental adjustment to that. His funeral was nice and the kids are devastated and so am I but sometimes I'm also nostalgic and sometimes I'm angry.

This did not go well with training for a half ironman. I got SLOW. like a ton slower. Felt like I was moving through mud most of the time. Lay in bed. Do workout. Post picture. Go back to bed. Eat too much. Take kids to the pool. Post a picture. Go to bed. Wake up in the middle of the night with kids. Repeat. I sort of mentally checked out of life for a bit and let myself get distracted. I (mostly) woke up and did my training plan. Still too many feelings to move normally.

My deep and abiding hatred of swimming did not lessen. I panicked in the open water. Like A LOT. The first time I tried I panicked then Kim helped me back to the shore and didn't go back in. I didn't want to ever go back in.

Then I knew if I was going to finish this race and I WAS I would have to really work at it.  I practiced only 3 times in the open water after that and my coach gave me tools to help for when I panicked. I never wanted to be away from people when I was swimming. Like EVER. I thought with the time I would just make it in under the amount of time you have to finish the swim for a half ironman. DON'T TELL ME THAT'S SLOW I KNOW THAT.  rode up to Boise with Suz. I had all my food planned and my stuff laid out and I got to see my adorable nephew and my sister. I found a mantra from Danielle telling me "I'm good at all of those things." I pictured myself finishing.

On the day of the race I woke up with super bad stomach pain. Like I was like- whoa I'm dying. Texted my friend Jeanie and she said it's nerves and I'm OK. Forced myself to eat in the morning. Bagel with peanut butter and a banana from Claire.

Forced myself to drink and I was glad my coach told me to make a food plan or I would have shown up to a half ironman on an empty stomach.

Took a fantastic looking selfie with my wristband that's part of it. Next time featuring makeup.

I got to the race and finished setting up my transition and met some AWESOME people.  Many of whom had helped me with swimming. My age group was pretty much last so that wasn't my favorite. Put my wetsuit on over my bathing suit top and tri bottoms and three minutes before our time to get in the water I put on my silver swim cap and thought about how awesome this was going to be.  I drank the water I was supposed to and I took a salted caramel gu before I got in. Like clockwork.  Not too panicky. Less Stomach pain. My friend Robyn was there and she was super nice and Kristi whom I just met.  Said hi to a bunch of swimmers in the water before we started.

Go. So many fast swimmers but that never really bothers me. I sort of like the rush because it carries you for a bit. I was doing the 20 strokes and then 5 seconds to calm down thing I practiced. Pushing the water like my friend Heather told me. I was rotating. My left eye goggle was leaking dammit I brought the wrong goggles. 

Holy shit there is no hell like swimming over a mile. I mean I get it you sight you swim you sight you swim you get off track you swim back you keep swimming some girl is faster than you and she's doing backstroke you sight you swim. I was glad that my friend told me the number of buoys. That kept me from quitting after two. five yellow four orange five yellow. The water was the perfect temperature. I couldn't use my left eye but that also meant that I only had to panic a little bit about seeing mysterious sea creatures. You know what else? my calves didn't cramp and sometimes they do that when I swim. BAAM nutrition (that's the triathlon word for food) covered.

There was a guy that kept telling me I was getting off track. Apparently swimming away into the middle of nowhere isn't the goal of a race. We are triathletes and I was trying to be a mermaid for a bit- just going back to my home under the sea in the middle of the lake way away from the course no big deal. Thanks Kayak man. He wasn't as cute as the beautiful swimmer that told me I was off track in my first triathlon.  Just saying.

When I finally got down to the five remaining yellow buoys I wanted to cry I was so freaking happy. ok I did cry but there was so much water Kayak man didn't notice. If he could have pretended it was hard to kayak as fast as I was swimming that would have been nice. I felt like I was swimming against a current and it would never end. I kept getting closer. I thought people were cheering me on. Then I finished.

There was a blonde woman wearing a jacket in 90 degree weather waiting for me. She was sorry I was 36 seconds too slow and they pulled my chip.  I guess those people were telling me to stand the hell up and run. It had felt MUCH slower than any of my other open water swims. I didn't know if I should just keep going and finish the freaking race so I could get a medal. She told me I shouldn't continue I could get on the bus and it would take me back and she was sorry.

I started crying. I mean I don't know about you but when I swim a mile I cry at the end. Transition was pretty much broken down. There was a girl after me that was crying more and a guy who looked super fit. I got on the bus. I was grateful for my awesome sunglasses so the volunteers wouldn't see how sad I was. I decided not to get on the bike course since they told me not to twice but I sort of still felt like a quitter.

That was my first half ironman. I told my coach. I texted my sister even though I had no idea where I was and I just wanted to cry a lot- and eat ice cream. 

I failed to finish. With all the things going on in my life I thought hey this will be a great memorial and it will show that I can still do hard things even with John dead.

That's not really what happened though. 

I sort of wanted a do over so I could swim harder those last 5 buoys. I wanted a boyfriend so I could cuddle. I mean let's face it that's pretty fun when you feel bad. Not really thought because my ex husband just died and I never want to date right now. I wanted to hide and not see all my happy friends that made it and I didn't want them to hug me and I cry and really it's OK.

I finished the swim. which means I can swim 1.2 miles. I want to do another race. I never thought I would ever do a single race and I don't really enjoy swimming ever and I hate doing things that I'm bad at and having people see me doing them poorly but still I'm sort of in the group of people doing them I just don't always feel like I belong.

 Oh look here's a selfie of me driving back with my cute Boise shirt with my name on the back!
It was like huge closure when the race was over. Not the kind of closure where you are like- and then I conquered everything. More like the underwhelming kind of closure where it just moves on and you don't talk about it much. I still can't believe that I swam that far. I didn't get to bike or run and those were the things I was less worried about. I went over everything I did wrong and felt like I still needed to work out more that day. I did a lot of things wrong with training. I didn't track all my distances or enter my data. I signed up for a race too soon before I was ready with swimming. I wanted a date to happen even though I didn't know if it would work. I had the tools to finish but I didn't push as hard as I could have. I kept going when my life sort of told me to stop.

I don't regret any of those things. My race report is that I'm pretty sure I can do the SWIM part of one of these things within the allotted time next time. I think there will be a next time as well. I'm not a shiny professional triathlete I didn't even finish this race. I started though. My coach told me that a DNF is better than a did not start. I've never not finished a race before. I didn't want everyone to know I was even there.

The triumph over probability almost happened. I missed it by 36 seconds.
So I finished a half ironman swim almost on my due date. Maybe that's a fitting almostiversary.

I didn't pick up a rock.

Funeral Day

Today they buried John.
I was distracted about writing about it since someone told me how I was a terrible person and showed me a screenshot of a discussion with even another person about how my kids were going to suffer because I exercise and I'm not at work right now.
I don't know who that other person is but I'm 100% sure they haven't had a spouse or an ex spouse die. I'm 100% sure they've probably never had anyone die and I'm 100% sure they aren't my friends and haven't reached out to me.

That friend said they wanted the old me back.

It reminds me of the funeral. Mark really wanted to see his dad's body. He talked to me over and over about opening the casket to see his dad's body. He told everyone that he knew were the grave was so they could find it. He told me the story of praying that he wouldn't have bad dreams anymore and maybe that was his dad coming to comfort him about his bad dreams. Everyone seemed so overwhelmed. John's old best friend was super nice about the kids like I don't even know how people can act that way. There were people there I really don't like. Mostly I didn't see them because I only saw my kids. My daughter still has a hard time being around any sort of dad that other kids have. I was surprised how awful it was to realize that the only person I've ever really loved killed himself. After he said I was the reason he was so unhappy and wanted a divorce. I mean lots of relationships fail and I'm for sure not perfect. John even told me before he died that everyone would know what an asshole I was and how I tried to kill him. I told him he had to stop because I was just trying to imagine a life long of someone saying that to me every time I sent them a bill for the kids getting a new filling. The emotional fighting had to stop for me.

The hardest thing about your kids burying their dad is when people say dad is in a better place. They say his body is perfect. But my kids just have a closed casket and remains they aren't allowed to see. You can tell them about a fantasy world with a happy dad but if you push it too hard why would they want to stay here? It's like when you get divorced and everyone says you will end up with someone better and faster and richer and nicer. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for unicorn knight rescuer second billionaire husband to come around and really I just want to figure out how to be great at the job I have and know what I want in a career and be able to give my kids the life I want for them without a guy. The thing about being alone is- it's very peaceful. I like peaceful.  I hope my kids see that. This life can be really wonderful. Even if we are broken. I would like to have the same calm assurance Elder Kopischke had talking about John's death. I don't know if he's in a better place. I just know that I didn't at any point think I would be raising three kids alone. People said I was but I don't think I was. I was always picturing trying to figure out how to get along with John later. Practicing mentally so things would go well at family events that never happened. His brother talked about John telling stories to the kids when he used to do before he got really sick. Mark interrupted to say "but we couldn't find him" and I had to remind him that dad did call- before he got sick. Dad could tell stories with any given characters for almost any length of time. Mega Man and Spiderman and Batman all in one doing whatever you could imagine. Then he disappeared and I got angry and Mark missed his dad.

Let me tell you a little about my experience with suicide of an ex spouse. There isn't a lot information out there.  It's been a little over two weeks and I still don't have a death certificate. He didn't have a will or insurance so there aren't things really coming to the kids from dad like his soccer trophy from high school or his yearbook. His brother is taking care of personal possessions but I don't know if the kids will ever get the stuff dad wrote- probably when they are adults.  They called me the day they found out and I was in the obituary. I got my last child support check a week after he died. It's harder than I thought. It's like re-living the person's life just like when someone dies but I've got an almost 8 year marriage (9 months of that was separated) and a divorce in there.
All the feelings.
I've also got some pretty mean people who feel free to tell me I'm doing things wrong. I have no doubt that I'm screwing things up. I also know that I'm distracted by the practical things like the huge drop in my budget and getting my kids to counseling and wearing clean clothes every day.
I'm mad that I am so emotional about it. I'm mad that I feel guilty for not calling the police when I asked John if he was safe a few weeks before he died and he said he was but I didn't believe him because he only ever got really emotional before he tried something. I'm mad at his family. I'm mad a lot of things and I know I'm not really mad at them it's just displaced anger since I can't really change that he's dead and I have all these feelings and nowhere to put them.
My doctor says it's normal to experience what I am going through. So does my counselor. So do the people who have lived it. I rode in the limo and sat with the kids and no one was mean to me. In a way I felt more entitled to sit there than anyone else because the kids are there.  I'm the one who has been telling stories about someone who hurt me a lot nonstop for two weeks. They don't tell you how much damage people do to the people around you before they complete suicide. You don't hear about the months of not getting a call back for the kids because dad was in a bad place and couldn't call. They don't tell you how it will be hard to see the pain they were in through the pain they caused. I used to just imagine all the bad things never happened when I told the kids stories about dad. Dad used to go do tough mudder races while you guys were babies and he was always really fast so they will probably be really good at running. Dad was really good at math. Dad and I went to Italy on our honeymoon and rode in the boats and got glass in Venice.
 It was amazing to see so many other people step in and tell my kids happy stories.

When my ex spouse died I took it harder than I thought. I didn't know what to do and I'm pretty sure I didn't do everything right.  I had nightmares and threw up at night and the kids didn't sleep and I think I gained 5 lbs in a week. I try to work out but I feel like my body has some kind of flu. Then sometimes I feel fine. Every day I feel more fine and less like staying in my bed forever. I care about the people who are disappointed I'm not doing well. They see something I don't see every day.
I hope that they are right and that I can do the things they think I can do.  They think I can do this kid thing alone and that I'll have the best career ever. I love the capable me that they see just as much as it hurts me that they aren't helping me and that they were so nasty to me.

I miss the old me. I also miss the old John. the one that everyone has been messaging me about. I miss the naive belief that we would make it through all the hard times and be happy together. Maybe John is in a better place and I will get to a better place.
I know Mark doesn't have nightmares anymore and I know other people have made it through worse things. I also know seeing my daughter cry made me feel so lost and helpless.

My kids know where their dad is. Today that will be enough.