Last week I went swimming with Mr M. and spent time with him in the morning. On the way back from the gym we heard the song from Zara Larsson I will never forget you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTyN-DB_v5M
here is the song
"Mom, I don't know why but every time I hear this song I think of dad."
"So the song reminds you of Dad"
"because I know he died but he is always with me and I know he is in heaven and always with me."
Most of the time when my kiddos bring up dad I practice a little something called reflecting. I say- so it sounds like you are thinking of dad when they say they are. Apparently many therapists make tons of money doing this. Personally if my therapist does it I get super bored and immediately want to be like- yeah I know what I just said. I want to see what the other person thinks. Most people have a fundamental need to be understood and a simple reflection can show them that you are listening. My son knows that I heard what he said.
You can pay millions of dollars to learn in therapy that your kid needs you to spend time listening to them. I got the recommendation to set aside about 10 minutes a day where I ask my kiddos how they are and repeat exactly what they say. Don't try to think- oh that sounds hard- just repeat- it sounds like you are thinking about dad.
WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.
My daughter told her friend that her dad died on the way to come visit her. Part of me thinks I should tell her how he really died. I practiced with my therapist.
The memories of everyone change over time. When we tell each other they are altered. I'm tired of being a single mom today.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Mormon Gays and Baptism for Children
The LDS Church announced that children of parents in a same
sex marriage wouldn’t be allowed to be baptized this week. It’s mandatory that
you take disciplinary action. That seems intense. Did you know clergy doesn’t
have to report child abuse? I also learned that this week and it makes me crazy
upset. Counselors have to report if you are an active danger. Maybe. Religion is
such a sticky area. I saw one post the first day and I didn’t really read the
article because I didn’t want to look at it.
Then my Facebook exploded. You will be happy to know that
there are gay people on both sides and Mormons and Ex Mormons that care and
ones that don’t care. The whole thing makes me feel like a coward. Because if
you question anything you aren’t following a prophet and if you sit still you
are saying you agree with it. So maybe I should follow my sister and avoid
Facebook for a few weeks.
Pretty much no matter what you are an asshole. I haven’t
left the church and I openly have some concerns and I don’t agree with this so
I’m pretty much in that in between place where no matter what, I’m an asshole. I
secretly think most people are in between. Even if you say you are sure of
yourself you might just need to feel in control. I think most of us rely on our
cognitive inertia to get through life. I heard the news and you know what I
did? Nothing I have a head cold. I put the issue aside because there’s not really
anything to say. Except wow- I do NOT like conflict. It’s hard for me to to see
all the pain here. It’s hard to be in Utah with all the people and the high
emotional level I wish it was easier for me to be on one side or the other. It’s
like when we ignore things in our lives we can’t solve to be able to function.
I get angry at people that have behaviors that hurt me that they choose not to
resolve but I’m sure I have my own.
I’ve been working on not getting stuck by things I can’t
resolve. LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS NOT MY FAVORITE.
So I’m sorry to all my friends who have posted that ones article that I can’t post the
articles that this is love. I’m sorry my gay friends that I didn’t post a
helpful link to a phone number. I’m sorry my ex Mormon friends that I’m still
here. And I’m sorry my non Mormon friends that I’m posting about it at all.
I don’t really think there is any excuse for personal
apologetics. I also don’t think there is any true neutrality. The church isn’t
fair. I’ve known men that raped someone and had no repercussions. I think that’s
why so many people don’t report. Inaction seems to be my mode of coping. I think that’s why a lot of us just sit here
confused about what is going on. I just
unsubscribe from friends that share things I can’t handle and go on with my
kids to the gym for my morning workout. I was like -wow my daughter just got baptized.
There is no peace here.
I wish I knew what to say. Or do. Until then please don't forget those of us who feel stuck somewhere floating in the middle.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Baptism
My daughter got baptized yesterday. In the same dress that I got baptized in when I was 8 and my mom got baptized in when she was 8. She became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was proud of her for when she wanted to wait and also a little heartbroken. When she first turned 8 she said she wanted to wait until her dad could be there. Then she said she wanted him to do it. Then she didn't want to after he died. Then one day she asked me why she wasn't baptized yet.
Sometimes I want to tell my daughter that a lot of men in the church won't treat her like a person. I want to tell her that people are more important than any church. That God is the important one.
Sometimes I want to take it all back and somehow let her dad baptize her. Another boy got baptized that day. The other mom was remarried and the dad still baptized him. I was a little jealous. Every now and then I get jealous when people say they are fighting with their ex. That means their kids have two parents. I understand that some parents do a lot of harm but really it's better for kids to have two parents. I used to worry about taking out the trash and putting your laundry in the bin and now it just seems so stupid to worry about that stuff.
Sometimes I guess some of the guys I have met will lie about how worthy they are and baptize their daughters or go through lip service to pretend they care. I wonder if John would have done that. He told me he lied about how he felt about the church for years to make me happy.
I wonder if it matters.
My friend came to the baptism and asked me how I was doing and I started crying. I don't handle feelings super well. I just wanted a happy family for my kids. I don't care if I was divorced I just wanted my kids to have a good dad. It's weird how when you are younger some of the things you want to give your kids are things you can't actually choose or control. Why didn't I care more about them having a good mom or a happy mom or something I could actually work towards?
I want to give her the hope that I felt when I was 8 that I don't always feel now. I'm tired of people yelling at me to feel it.
They wrote letters to the kids that day and I was helping her get dressed so I didn't get to write her a letter. I think I would tell her this:
To my daughter on her baptism day;
I'm remember the day I got baptized and how worried I was that I would make a mistake. I remember really wanting to follow God. I remember being so proud and happy and feeling so amazed. I remember all the talks. I am so glad you got to talk to your cousins about their baptisms and it is something you share.
As I've gone through life the sharing has become more important. I realized on my mission how people had basic needs for shelter and friendship that trumped their religious ideals. I realized I just wanted people who were kind to me sometimes not people who were exactly perfect. May you provide kindness to the people you meet.
I still believe in God. When he tells you to do something don't ignore it. Some people say trust your intuition- some call it a still small voice. For others those three things are distinct. There have been times I have followed it and times I've ignored it. I regret the times I chose what I wanted over what God told me. That's different than what other people have told me I should do. I hope you can grow to know the difference and trust him even when you don't know why or it breaks your heart in half. You always ask about why I got divorced and I always say I won't ever tell you but I will tell you this- when it was happening I begged God to let it all work out. I got an answer and it was this.
"is this what you want to live with."
"No."
I couldn't live with it.
I wanted him to change the situation and the people and he only asked me if I really wanted what I was asking for.
I didn't realize what I was asking for.
I think that's how prayer works sometimes- it's not a huge answer it's God just repeating back what we said and then we realize that we didn't exactly want what we asked- we wanted what we had to change into something it's not. One of my friends told me once that I should tell God about all my frustrations "because he can take it." One of the most intriguing things I've ever heard. There are a lot of people I know who I'm sure have needed to yell at God. He can take it. Sometimes what has happened for me was just the realization about what I was asking or angry about. Sometimes things have changed. Sometimes I felt like God was sorry. I hope you never have to understand that feeling. The Shrug. I know you will and you won't understand what I mean until you've experienced it.
All we ever wanted for you was a hope in the world. I used to think I knew everything. Then I knew nothing. Then I realized maybe that's what faith was. A stillness in uncertainty. We won't know what will happen in our future or after this life. That uncertainty has to be enough. In one of the talks they quoted Alice in Wonderland.
“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
Sometimes I want to tell my daughter that a lot of men in the church won't treat her like a person. I want to tell her that people are more important than any church. That God is the important one.
Sometimes I want to take it all back and somehow let her dad baptize her. Another boy got baptized that day. The other mom was remarried and the dad still baptized him. I was a little jealous. Every now and then I get jealous when people say they are fighting with their ex. That means their kids have two parents. I understand that some parents do a lot of harm but really it's better for kids to have two parents. I used to worry about taking out the trash and putting your laundry in the bin and now it just seems so stupid to worry about that stuff.
Sometimes I guess some of the guys I have met will lie about how worthy they are and baptize their daughters or go through lip service to pretend they care. I wonder if John would have done that. He told me he lied about how he felt about the church for years to make me happy.
I wonder if it matters.
My friend came to the baptism and asked me how I was doing and I started crying. I don't handle feelings super well. I just wanted a happy family for my kids. I don't care if I was divorced I just wanted my kids to have a good dad. It's weird how when you are younger some of the things you want to give your kids are things you can't actually choose or control. Why didn't I care more about them having a good mom or a happy mom or something I could actually work towards?
I want to give her the hope that I felt when I was 8 that I don't always feel now. I'm tired of people yelling at me to feel it.
They wrote letters to the kids that day and I was helping her get dressed so I didn't get to write her a letter. I think I would tell her this:
To my daughter on her baptism day;
I'm remember the day I got baptized and how worried I was that I would make a mistake. I remember really wanting to follow God. I remember being so proud and happy and feeling so amazed. I remember all the talks. I am so glad you got to talk to your cousins about their baptisms and it is something you share.
As I've gone through life the sharing has become more important. I realized on my mission how people had basic needs for shelter and friendship that trumped their religious ideals. I realized I just wanted people who were kind to me sometimes not people who were exactly perfect. May you provide kindness to the people you meet.
I still believe in God. When he tells you to do something don't ignore it. Some people say trust your intuition- some call it a still small voice. For others those three things are distinct. There have been times I have followed it and times I've ignored it. I regret the times I chose what I wanted over what God told me. That's different than what other people have told me I should do. I hope you can grow to know the difference and trust him even when you don't know why or it breaks your heart in half. You always ask about why I got divorced and I always say I won't ever tell you but I will tell you this- when it was happening I begged God to let it all work out. I got an answer and it was this.
"is this what you want to live with."
"No."
I couldn't live with it.
I wanted him to change the situation and the people and he only asked me if I really wanted what I was asking for.
I didn't realize what I was asking for.
I think that's how prayer works sometimes- it's not a huge answer it's God just repeating back what we said and then we realize that we didn't exactly want what we asked- we wanted what we had to change into something it's not. One of my friends told me once that I should tell God about all my frustrations "because he can take it." One of the most intriguing things I've ever heard. There are a lot of people I know who I'm sure have needed to yell at God. He can take it. Sometimes what has happened for me was just the realization about what I was asking or angry about. Sometimes things have changed. Sometimes I felt like God was sorry. I hope you never have to understand that feeling. The Shrug. I know you will and you won't understand what I mean until you've experienced it.
All we ever wanted for you was a hope in the world. I used to think I knew everything. Then I knew nothing. Then I realized maybe that's what faith was. A stillness in uncertainty. We won't know what will happen in our future or after this life. That uncertainty has to be enough. In one of the talks they quoted Alice in Wonderland.
“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: ...So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”
They said that when you are a member of this church you know where you are going. In a way that is true. There are clear goals and a clear picture of Christ and what we can accomplish. But it is also false, like my prayer to have my family that I wanted. I think when this life is over many of us will look back and want something we didn't really want. Do you really want to be married? Do you really want to respect your partners if it means you have fewer than you want? Do you really want to have as many children as others will want you to have? Do you want to hide from what you are and what you choose?
Listen to the stillness. You will not always want what you are asking for. The path will not always be clear but that is part of it. They are lying when they say you will always have a direction. There will be times when the direction you thought was so clear will be impossible. There will be times when you pick a new direction. There will be times when your choices reveal your directional claims as the falsehood they are.
May you learn to stop walking and let those times be part of your journey. There is nothing wrong with listening to the silence.
I still remember my prayer as an 8 year old that I wanted to go back to the heaven everyone talked about. I wanted to be back in a perfect place and this whole idea of "enduring to the end" sounded SO HARD. I'm still here and I've realized that the idea that we chose to be here and every day continue choosing life is beautiful. It's harder than I thought it would be and I've been way less perfect than I thought the Holy Ghost would help me be. People are uglier than I thought was possible. Not everyone wants to do good to other people and I'm glad you do. Your dad didn't want to be here anymore. Sometimes I feel like it is too much but I'm still choosing to be here with you. I hope you always choose to be here.
This is not the hope I chose for you- I wanted a clear picture with happiness and a clear answer about the path of life I wanted. This is not the family I wanted for my kids.
I never realized how much pain other people would cause and how fiercely I want to give you a better life and how I know you will have more pain than anyone should have because I've had that. There will not always be a shiny hope at the end and there will be times when you will be jealous of the people who seem to say their path is always clear. The beauty is not in knowing where you want to go.
The beauty is in the silence when God has asked you
"Is this what you want."
"No."
My life has shattered in a million pieces and I'm not put back together again. May you always be enough, even when you are broken.
I'm scared for you. I'm also so proud of you and happy for what you will see.
The way is more beautiful than I ever hoped for.
love,
mom.
I hope she is able to pass the dress to her daughter if she wants to. I hope she has an easier path than I've had. I hope she can find softness and kindness in her journey.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
September 10
This month turns out to be suicide awareness month.
The tenth is suicide prevention day.
So that gets super emotional for me.
Last week we finally got John's death certificate. A week before I messaged my friend and asked her what she thought the cause of death would be.
"It's going to say suicide."
They called me to come pick it up and I went after my last day of work at that job. I picked it up and they knew who I was when I walked in. They asked if I wanted water or if I wanted to sit for a bit. I said no and took it and walked out to my car.
I probably should have taken that water bottle.
It's surprising to have a cause of death.
Today at school my daughter came to find me and she was crying because she missed her dad. I was so glad to be there with her. She sat with me at lunch then was able to go back.
The thing is she isn't over him dying. Most people get over you dying because they can't be constantly sad about death. We also can't constantly save each other from suicide. Every now and then I think about how I probably shouldn't have gotten married or some of the mistakes I've made in life. We are all doing our best. John's family worked really hard to help him. My kids wanted their dad all the time. I wish I could have helped him. I'm upset about a lot of the things he did before he died. People who lose all hope hurt a lot of people.
I was super upset he didn't tell me about some stupid doctors bills that he failed to pay a month before he died. I guess he lost his temper and was yelling at them. That's not always something we think about supporting as suicide prevention. Not everyone is reaching out for help sometimes they lash out in anger and hurt people.
http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2014/05/07/if-only/
I don't know everything about suicide prevention. I've had friends that have helped me through really dark times. One time in college I remember meeting a girl who had a lot of life trauma and she was a cutter. She was in and out of the hospital and one night she came over and we helped her clean up her cuts so they wouldn't get infected. Life was heavy for her. It gets heavy for a lot of people and sometimes it's too much. For some it's too much over and over. We can lift each other up. We won't always succeed. I don't have a ton of knowledge about suicide prevention. I wish we could all find a way to lift each other and find energy. The people who support you the most will be the people who know what it's like to struggle. I would say I can always be there for you. But I can't. I will try to be there for you. We are not limitless.
When I think about suicide prevention I think about not telling someone they are strong. We aren't all strong enough. We aren't all able to do it on our own. We aren't all going to have one hard time and then move on. Sometimes we stumble forward through darkness.
September 10.
Hopefully you can see how important you are to other people.
Hopefully somewhere inside of you strength will appear.
Hopefully you will decide to keep moving through darkness.
Hopefully you can see how important you are to other people.
Hopefully somewhere inside of you strength will appear.
Hopefully you will decide to keep moving through darkness.
Hopefully we can catch each other when we fall.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Salt Lake City Marathon
I love running. It's something that has taught me more about myself than anything else I've tried before. I don't race though. I get medals for working out which I deserve.
Remember that one time I overshared?
yeah me neither. Except yes. I do remember that. That happens in my life. Sometimes it helps people sometimes not. Well this is a sort of personal post. Basically to say I'm an ambassador for the Salt Lake City Marathon. I have a discount code. It's for 5 dollars off any race and it's janaeslc16 so on checkout you pick me as your Lifetime ambassador and use a code to save 5 dollars. http://www.saltlakecitymarathon.com/ is the site to sign up.
Guys this last little while has been really hard. I've missed my kids like crazy and wanted to give up on everything I've worked hard to get in the past few years. So I post happy things on instagram and go to work and make little goals like get up, show up, and don't quit life. I also sign up for races.
Let me tell you a little about myself. If you haven't known me before here's a picture of me a while ago. When I say a little while ago I mean I weighed over 200 lbs in this picture. I have a bracelet from showing up at the hospital when Danielle was born. 257 lbs. I had pitting edema. I had been on bedrest for a lot of my pregnancy. My blood pressure was super high.
I was miserable.
You probably haven't ever seen a picture of me at this weight. There weren't many. One day my sister was like- yeah but when did you become one of those people that never has pictures of themselves? Everything on your facebook is of your kids, it would be nice to see you sometimes.
I took some pictures. I hated them. I became one of those people over 200 lbs. I hated almost everything about my body. I've always worked out. Didn't lose a lot of weight.
My friend Linda asked me to sign up for the Salt Lake City Half Marathon. I was like- yeah I'm a terrible runner. I am. I started running because I had no natural talent at running but there was a girl name Karen in my church group and she was a runner and she was beautiful. So I would count to 100 then stop and walk. Then count to 100. My feet would go numb. I legs hurt. I was stepping wrong. I pounded the ground. I held my neck wrong. I was breathing wrong. I signed up. I tried to train in the morning before work with a Hal Higdon marathon training plan that I copied from online.
I had IT band pain. My sister who was a massage therapist would give me a massage after every run. I missed a lot of long runs. My longest run was actually 7 miles before the race. It was miserable. I was still counting to 100. This was the first major marathon after the Boston bombings and it was a great experience. Actually it was cold and raining and I coudn't get the right playlist going on my phone so it kept re-starting. I thought I was going to die for like 60% of it. I walked.
It took me over 3 hours to finish. I went to my mom's house and slept for hours. My friend went to hike zions that day. I couldn't walk the next day.
Then I decided that I was going to finally run a marathon like I had on my bucket list. I hated running. Every minute of it was pure hell. I met with an orthopedic surgeon who specialized in running. I got a controversial shot of cortisone in my knee. I met with a trainer to help me build my strength so I wouldn't have IT band problems.
I had a terrible time. I actually had missed enough training that I considered just doing the half then at the turnoff I felt OK. So I made a horrible mistake. I went on the marathon course. It was beautiful. The weather was nice. I didn't run a step after mile 21. I thought I broke my foot. I kept saying- this is the most painful thing I've ever done. Then I said- well having a baby with no drugs was worse. - then I was like- yeah but it was WAY faster. I hated it. Then I signed up for another race that day. I could walk the next day.
I did the 5K with my daughter. She likes to say "I'm faster than you are" but she sometimes walks too.
Running saved my life in so many ways. The adjustment of being a single mom from being so miserable and hating myself and where I was- that was hard for me. I remember the first time I actually like- wait this is what a runners high is- this is what they are describing. This one one year after my marathon- on mile 9 of a half marathon.
I've lost a lot of weight with working out and running and eating healthy. People ask me how I do it. I tell them I do it slowly. I lose a 10-20 lbs a year. Sometimes I don't lose any weight. I have to focus on it. Running taught me two things.
First- I'm slow at these things. I'm not a fast runner. I've improved a lot. It's Ok to be slow.
Second- I'm not very positive. I hated being chubby. I wished my body could do more. and I'm still not where I want to be. It's OK to be where you are. I was never one of the people who suddenly saw the light and never doubted myself.
You don't have to be fast. You don't have to be positive. You just sign up and get up.
I don't usually celebrate the journey. I'm not always happy with where I'm at because I'm not at goal weight. I like to challenge myself. I always thought- if I can run a marathon I can do anything. I could be faster. I could be thinner. I could have polished this blog post more.
It is enough. I wish I could share the confidence I've gained through running. I wish I could share the knowledge that you can go from being a stay at home mom to being a marathon runner who earns enough to pay for her kiddos. If you can run. you can do anything. I can't do everything, but I would love to do this run with you. You can save 5 dollars with my code too.
Here's to your journey.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Social Security
Today I took my daughter to a triathlon and someone asked me if my husband was racing that day and I said I was divorced but then I was like- yeah it's still appropriate for me to say divorced not that he's dead right? because I'm not a widow.. Weird. Either way we quickly changed the subject since she probably didn't actually care about the absent racing husband she was just being friendly.
When I went to social security it turns out john was working since our divorce and earning money.
so he wasn't paying for other reasons and I'm just so tired of drama.
No one is doing probate for him or they just aren't telling me anything and I want to scream about it. I don't want to have to get an attorney to find answers. When John died I was suing him for contempt because he would never turn over his earnings which makes sense because he was lying to ORS and me based on the information the IRS had.
I want to punch people that I worked so hard and someone could just lie so much. Then my friend says to walk away. I want to be one of those people who just has that walk away attitude and doesn't ruminate on things.
Except I'm not good at pretending things don't exist or pretending I didn't do something. I want to have some glorious release and leave it up to Karma which I KNOW catches up to people. The only person you are hurting when you hold on to hurt is yourself. except when people are actually doing things that you can get a court order against like when John wouldn't pay and almost went to jail. Then he started paying through voluntary garnishment. I mean in some cases people can't just ignore their problems and hide like cowards. In other cases you should just let it go and not beat something to death. Or try to get sympathy from strangers on the internet since even if they don't know what happened to you- in the end they don't actually care a ton because they have their own problems to worry about.
I've always sort of thought if you care enough to whine about something you should care enough to do something about it. At the same time I don't like fighting with people or talking about my feelings. being surprised that someone who was super mentally ill wasn't able to manage paying for his kids is illogical. He had huge issues but I'm over here still upset that I've had to fight so hard and don't feel like people saw that. Like when people posted that he loved his kids and I wanted to punch them. It's not about whether he loved them it's about me feeling like things weren't fair.
so over I went to the social security office. I didn't feel well since I had a car accident the day before. The guy kept talking to me because he was super friendly but I was a little emotional overwhelmed I didn't want to get to know someone while we were talking about if my ex husband had any other children. uhhh I don't think so. yeah let's talk about other stuff and all the people who come in and their estate planner tells them how much they will get. Also ex wife survivor benefits seem pretty intense. Like this is all a little intense for me I didn't want my life to be turned upside down. I've lost faith in humanity a little this year and also seen some awesome people. They showed me his SS earnings of the past little while and told me what I would get.
and i will really get it. like reliably. for the first time since John moved out I know what to expect. Less than what he would have paid but it's so strange to just know. I like closure and I like knowing. It would be nice to know if john had any money in his bank or where the hell he was working the last few years. We didn't talk though.
Pick your battles wisely, like you decide if you say the children's dad is dead or just leave it at divorced.
When I went to social security it turns out john was working since our divorce and earning money.
so he wasn't paying for other reasons and I'm just so tired of drama.
No one is doing probate for him or they just aren't telling me anything and I want to scream about it. I don't want to have to get an attorney to find answers. When John died I was suing him for contempt because he would never turn over his earnings which makes sense because he was lying to ORS and me based on the information the IRS had.
I want to punch people that I worked so hard and someone could just lie so much. Then my friend says to walk away. I want to be one of those people who just has that walk away attitude and doesn't ruminate on things.
Except I'm not good at pretending things don't exist or pretending I didn't do something. I want to have some glorious release and leave it up to Karma which I KNOW catches up to people. The only person you are hurting when you hold on to hurt is yourself. except when people are actually doing things that you can get a court order against like when John wouldn't pay and almost went to jail. Then he started paying through voluntary garnishment. I mean in some cases people can't just ignore their problems and hide like cowards. In other cases you should just let it go and not beat something to death. Or try to get sympathy from strangers on the internet since even if they don't know what happened to you- in the end they don't actually care a ton because they have their own problems to worry about.
I've always sort of thought if you care enough to whine about something you should care enough to do something about it. At the same time I don't like fighting with people or talking about my feelings. being surprised that someone who was super mentally ill wasn't able to manage paying for his kids is illogical. He had huge issues but I'm over here still upset that I've had to fight so hard and don't feel like people saw that. Like when people posted that he loved his kids and I wanted to punch them. It's not about whether he loved them it's about me feeling like things weren't fair.
so over I went to the social security office. I didn't feel well since I had a car accident the day before. The guy kept talking to me because he was super friendly but I was a little emotional overwhelmed I didn't want to get to know someone while we were talking about if my ex husband had any other children. uhhh I don't think so. yeah let's talk about other stuff and all the people who come in and their estate planner tells them how much they will get. Also ex wife survivor benefits seem pretty intense. Like this is all a little intense for me I didn't want my life to be turned upside down. I've lost faith in humanity a little this year and also seen some awesome people. They showed me his SS earnings of the past little while and told me what I would get.
and i will really get it. like reliably. for the first time since John moved out I know what to expect. Less than what he would have paid but it's so strange to just know. I like closure and I like knowing. It would be nice to know if john had any money in his bank or where the hell he was working the last few years. We didn't talk though.
Pick your battles wisely, like you decide if you say the children's dad is dead or just leave it at divorced.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Strava Cookie Sunday
So this week I have written like 5 posts and deleted them. Mostly thinking about the perfect candidate for a newlywed Blog. I would KILL at writing newlywed blog posts. Like my advice would save the freaking world. Maybe I'll have rotating new husbands. This is the best thing ever. So many marriage pinterest boards.
As it is I decided it was finally time to learn how to do royal icing and made Strava cookies this week.
As it is I decided it was finally time to learn how to do royal icing and made Strava cookies this week.
I had a shortbread recipe I just didn't do any sort of topping. I put them in the pan and dusted them with flour and used my silicone rolling pin to make sure they were even on the pan. used a spatula to even out the edges as well. I've tried a few shortbread recipes and my friend Laura has the best one. shortbread is dangerous- we've all had those stupid Christmas cookies with the giant sanding sugar that sort of taste good and then BAAM I've eaten an entire tin of cookies.
the only thing is- I'm not really great at making royal icing. I want a pastry bag I think. I googled the recipe for royal icing and picked one to mess with. Here's how I made it
2 medium egg whites
2.5 cups powdered sugar
1 tsp water
1/4 tsp vanilla
mix well. it seemed pretty fluid. I put my frosting in a plastic bag with a tiny hole cut in the corner. my first hole was too big. I learned a lot since this was my first project- like i should have had a tiny bit more water an traced the pattern I wanted then used a thinner filler.
I'm pretty sure I'll be working on this more. These cookies are about the size of a post it note deck. You should always cut the shortbread as soon as it comes out of the oven so it's easy to cut and nice. I think if you use a hot knife you can still have a crisp edge. I used my Shun knives.
In other news I've really felt lucky lately. I have great friends and it's great to meet people who are respectful and value each other. I'm shocked at how some people act and I just don't think I could live with that kind of Karma on my back. Probably just naive of me.
If I'm not careful I'll turn into one of the everything happens for a reason people.
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