Dear New Girl at the Gym and all new people...

Dear new person at the gym childcare today,

I feel like I should explain.
Hi I'm Janae. I noticed today you were talking to my daughter during my yoga class. Well more like consoling her while she cried uncontrollably. I saw your slightly helpless expression as she told me she just misses him so much. I told her to go to the red zone and give back her sticker. I told her we weren't getting a smoothie at orange peel.

I should explain.
I go to yoga because I read this blog about how to deal with grief and it said crying in yoga is good. Today in yoga actually I was really hot and kind of tired. My right leg felt super tight and I'm stressed about money stuff. Like really stressed. It's time to reassess my life. I really loved my shirt and I was so hot I did yoga in my sports bra and pants and I feel really body positive about it.

Every time I get all introspective and tired like that I should know my kids are exploding somehow. But you are new. I feel like I should explain. Her dad died a little over a year ago. We have goals of what to do when she cries and it used to last over three hours a day. But you are new. Once we disastrously met someone swimming that happened to be a dad less than a month after her dad died. She couldn't play with those girls she had to cry the whole time. Because she didn't have a dad. She just needed someone to come and say- I know you have this whole where your dad was.

You're new. You need to know. The boys will explain their dad over chips and then say he is watching over them. Danielle asked if she would ever see him again and I said not here on this earth on the way to the car. She asked again about orange peel she didn't get the memo that I'm trying to not spend money I don't have. I didn't explain to her. I just said lets go home and I'll make dinner. I missed my swim. Because she was crying. Because there was someone new that needed to know.

I should explain that a little while ago she was in counseling our church paid for. 90 dollars twice a week. Then they couldn't and I think there is a group in salt lake we could join but she wants her old counselor and I can barely get to really hot yoga but I'm getting more organized. I feel like when I'm stressed sometimes she feels it and that can trigger her feelings. Some people are really sensitive to that right? Every new person needs to be told the story.

I met some people the other day but didn't have the energy so I just went with divorced. I'm really getting better at side stepping personal questions. It's just easier than what you experienced.

I know it's hard for new people. And yes it's still hard and no we didn't get life insurance and no they don't see family a lot. Some. No not every week. But some. People don't know what to say or do. They really don't so they just sort of want it to go away. No I'm not handling it as well as I want to and I haven't been as good a friend as I should. Yes I've gotten help but. I don't know how to explain. Thank you for hugging my daughter while she cried about her dad. She needed you to know. So next time she can be silly and know that you know.

Janae


Today was a hard day.
I should also explain I opened this gofundme thing up. I sort of wanted to do a memorial right when John died and I wanted everyone to share it and then everyone has the best college plan and I get donations and because college and medical and sometimes I have this dream where it gets crazy popular and then I take my kids to national parks and we do yoga and don't have to worry about if I need a job that pays enough to pay for rent and medical and car and real life and we can take pictures and go to orange peel after she cries in yoga. Plus run on sentences are always good.

 I was surprised about today. If you know someone with a hard loss I think when you meet them - they will need you to know. That's what I've learned about kids. They sort of aren't afraid to need. Even if it's been a little over a year.

http://www.gofundme.com/2hsy88jc

Life Update

How cute is this print?

Over a year ago my friend Robyn told me things would get harder before they got easier. I didn't understand what she meant. Things really did get harder though. This was one of the hardest years of my life and I'm still not even sure why or how. 

A year came and went from the time John died and I was going to post about it but I didn't get out of bed much that day then I didn't have anything meaningful to say. I reopened my etsy shop last week. Because yeah and uniforms. Decided to start selling cookies online. Working with Healthcarescene.com. Referring to Solutionreach (patient communication for Dentists and doctors). Teaching German classes and raising money for teachers.  Taking Plexus (ask me- it's  Probiotic). Doing triathlon. Yoga. Friends. 

There's the update.

I don't have a computer right now and I don't have any debt except kids medical stuff but I'm not buying one. I have so many awesome people that have been there for me. Sometimes I'm very angry. Angry that they didn't give me the life insurance so I could take some time off to be with the kids. Angry at his family. Angry at people who get more support when someone dies. Angry that I didn't get the back owed child support or that he couldn't stick around and try to help provide for the kids. Angry that they didn't have a memorial scholarship for my kids to have for their dad. Angry at people who ask why I'm not remarried yet. 

Lake Jenny

Then I'm normal. Sort of like the tide going out and I don't really notice anything. Sometimes I want to go to all the national parks with my kids and homeschool for a year. Then I realize I have a lot of stuff and I need to pay rent. Sometimes I want someone to rescue me. Sometimes I have nightmares about my divorce or John trying to apologize to me. Right before he died he was acting strange and saying he just wanted things to be how they were before one more time and I told him we needed to find a way to parent together and part of that would be him not talking about emotional stuff. Ever. 

I also sometimes miss my old life where I was super naive. 

Someone said they really believe things happen for a reason. She happened to be someone that sort of just saw through my soul from the minute she saw me. Things fell apart for me. I left my sales job I didn't think I could keep up. I am changing teaching jobs. My kids- things have been hard for them. I still don't know how or when to tell them. 

I remember from my divorce moving from being a stay at home mom to being self reliant. Things come together for me. Things are coming together for me now. I'm moving to teach at a school with better health insurance which is a must for my kiddos. John's family paid for Andrews daycare which let me work and was totally awesome.

Heather! she is a fantastic friend. 

I'm getting more connected with the suicide prevention community. Like I'm involved in some really awesome projects in healthcare. Thrilling. Trying to look at options that create a lasting reduction and more support for families. I've been resentful about people who have had support and sometimes I've tried to support more people. I've met people who have made it through really hard stuff and made a difference. It's all about remembering the part that keeps going and the part of you that is designed to survive. We all move forward with wounds. It's exciting to look at how we can use those to help others in their journey.

St George 70.3 super cold

BAM outfit! and the POC sunglasses I lost. I WISH I HAD THESE SUNGLASSES AGAIN.

Sally. Who knows all my secrets somehow ;)

I never wear makeup.

How to Help Family after Suicide

This week was a week of advice requests. My facebook persona is successfully exuding confidence and resilience. In all reality today I had two guest boys and got five kids in bed before nine PM so I feel superhuman today.

I am still sort of not sure how to handle the feelings I've had since May and other things I am not sure how to process or that I'm not happy with but sort of just exist so here's my advice. 

1. Death is not absolution. Before you forgive the person for every bad thing and expect a family member to do the same just remember- your need for absolution is actually a need for silence. Death is noisy. Read about the grief cycle if you need to and about normal human responses to death. Anger is part of it. I remember when my friend's husband died she was angry and I was SO CONFUSED. Being angry at someone who is dead seems so futile.  It's normal though. I remember being pissed at my husband when I was married about cleaning up after him. Sometimes I'm still mad. I'm still cleaning up. I'm pissed that my kids are sad. I'm pissed at people who don't understand and I'm pissed at his family. Then I'm not anymore. I'm pissed at people who say it's weird to mourn an ex. I mean seriously there's a lot of information out there that would suggest that it's a normal human response so you're surprise is just a sign of your ignorance. It's just a lot of feelings all at once. So my first piece of advice is to educate yourself. Google- "Is it normal...." It will save you a lot of fights.

2. Things get worse before they get better. My friend Robyn told me that. She was right. Two months after everyone was done and they didn't care anymore and I went home at night and didn't know what to tell my kids and hung up the pictures of Dad and Mom with hearts around them that my son drew. Go by after two months as thought it was the day before because No One cares anymore.

3. Don't ask what you can do. Just DO something. In most cases social security takes a few months so if the father was the breadwinner go give them a gas card or something. My friend had her husband die unexpectedly and people showered her with flowers. I remember talking to her and she said- save your money on flowers and get me a costco gift card. It takes months and longer to sort out financial stuff. I got to find out that my ex didn't have the life insurance policy we had. And social security took months. Luckily I had been working but for most people there is a financial strain and they need a break. My ex died owing me a lot of money and emotionally that was a BIG adjustment. I didn't get flowers which sort of felt weird since I felt like maybe someone would send them to the kids?

4. Be there. Text or in Person. Sometimes just having a person there is what you need.

5. Remember that the risk of suicide goes up in family survivors. My children have an increased risk. I do too. It's a different possibility I never considered when I was making the HORRENDOUS transition from being a stay at home mom to being a single mom and sole provider. I guess you can just quit. Everyone will worship you. Be gentle with people and their family. The other day at Yoga I talked to a friend that confided that she was suicidal after the early death of her husband. It was an interesting interaction because it was intensely difficult for me and I didn't understand why or that it was normal to wonder about that during grief. It reminded me of when I got married and the sealer said some super weird stuff about how sometimes you know someone before this earth and you promise to save them even if they don't make it and I was like- DUDE WHY IS THIS SATURDAYS WARRIOR and I sort of thought it was funny. Then all that funny religious stuff gets weird and you feel like you are in some kind of bad horoscope. Religion has really helped my kids feel like their dad was with them and supporting them.

6. Send constant reminders that you haven't forgotten. I have a friend that sends me articles. Her brother committed suicide several years ago. She knows about support groups. They are just articles and I don't even always respond but I always read them and IT MEANS A LOT.

7. Remember holidays. Like their anniversary. My ex sister in law is sending the kids something for my ex husband's birthday next Friday. His high school girlfriend sent my kids stuff for Christmas. Holidays are hard. I sort of disappear from my friends on holidays whenever possible.

8. Don't tell small children. My kids don't know yet. I feel like I TOTALLY blew it telling them how their dad died. They think he got in a car accident. We go to his grave to clear off the snow and write notes. They love their dad and know he loved them.

9. Suicide isn't a sign of a lack of love. These deaths are far less supported than an unexpected heart attack or cancer. In my case us being divorced made it even more complex and my kids got less support because it was complicated.

10. Write them letters. Another sister in law writes my kids letters. She listens to me even though I'm sure I say stupid things.

11. Hang out with them even if they aren't being present. When you have too much to process emotionally you aren't as present and it can be really hard on friendships and work. Remember it's not about you it's just an emotional reality.

12. Tell the kids stories about their parent. Or the spouse. My kids LOVED hearing stories from John's friends. They have a CD of him that they play for their friends and a book of pictures they all look at. Then they talk about minecraft. It's very strange to watch how it gets mixed in with different Gconversation but the stories are part of their narrative. The stories keep their dad alive.

13. Go places together. I do a lot of yoga and like to work out. I have awesome friends that go with me and I think they realize that's part of me dealing with emotions- I work out. It makes you feel more normal when you are going through something hard. Encourage the "normal" things rather than wondering what that means.

14. Don't tell them they are young and will find someone new. They will never find what was lost. Just like in divorce you can't ever get that version of your life back. It is gone forever and new might be better or it might be worse but it is irreplaceable. That person was important and saying they will find someone is like saying the person didn't matter. I was envious of couples that could co-parent and I will never have that successful relationship. I don't always show up for dates right now. It's nothing personal I just can't handle it. Or if I do they make a joke about how they would have committed suicide too if they had been having trouble or had me as an ex spouse. I didn't even know what to say.  I offered to show the texts before he died about how I was a horrible person and then we didn't go out again. The food was super good and he was a great planner though. Don't rush other people into that.

15. Hugs are good. Today someone randomly asked about my kids' dad and I said he passed away (up from three weeks ago when I blurted out he's dead) and she hugged me and I almost started crying. She knew I had been divorced first and asked how I was. It's super nice to ask and then hug people. No matter how long it's been.

I don't really know what advice to really give people. I'm just sort of being normal and sometimes sad and sometimes just tired. I could barely move for a week after it happened I had no idea your body could shut down like that and I didn't understand what was going on. I don't know how to handle John's family but I never did. My kids cry less now and they have fun and then sometimes they talk about how their dad is always with them and sing a song to him. They want to be a part of him. I'm sometimes good at that and sometimes not as present as I want to be or should be. My daughter said she knew I was sad when he died and she was too. She wants to be with her grandmother who is also sad. All the feelings. Remember all the feelings.

I'm always there to talk when I can. I've been supported and lifted up by friends and strangers and family.

Only a Fool Thinks That Life Will Wait

My kids watched the good dinosaur. Then they saw johns family. Now they are watching the John movie. The song he wrote says :
"Sometimes life knocks you down, but always it goes on. The only things you can count out- are the dreams that you count on.
Only fools set their hearts on dreams you can't achieve, and only a fool things that life will wait and give him time to grieve."
I think there was a lot of hope in the belief that life just goes on. Everyone is so full of no excuses and goals. What if our goal was just to be present? What if we could let go of our anger for someone that hurt us? Lately I've been overwhelmed by the people who demand "every story has two sides." I don't always love listening to the same song over and over when it's essentially about dying dreams from a singer that committees suicide.  The person who destroyed my dream of a happy family and some of my faith in humanity. He owed me a lot when he died and I'll never get that dream back. For me my body demands  time and I've been able to stop and learn what death of someone that hurt me would mean. For me it's just emphasized my belief that we are all fragile beings stumbling forward. Not everyone wants what's good and not everyone makes it, like our dreams that die,
I hope it goes on. I hope to live a life that recognizes the immediacy of humanity. To be able to love those that have hurt me because their happiness doesn't change my dream.
Give it time. Your dreams will change into something more beautiful than you can know.
I'm convinced that there is enough goodness for those that want goodness for everyone.

I hope my kids see the beauty behind a song telling us that life doesn't care about us.

Never Forget You

Last week I went swimming with Mr M. and spent time with him in the morning. On the way back from the gym we heard the song from Zara Larsson I will never forget you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTyN-DB_v5M
here is the song

"Mom, I don't know why but every time I hear this song I think of dad."
"So the song reminds you of Dad"
"because I know he died but he is always with me and I know he is in heaven and always with me."

Most of the time when my kiddos bring up dad I practice a little something called reflecting. I say- so it sounds like you are thinking of dad when they say they are. Apparently many therapists make tons of money doing this. Personally if my therapist does it I get super bored and immediately want to be like- yeah I know what I just said. I want to see what the other person thinks. Most people have a fundamental need to be understood and a simple reflection can show them that you are listening. My son knows that I heard what he said.
You can pay millions of dollars to learn in therapy that your kid needs you to spend time listening to them. I got the recommendation to set aside about 10 minutes a day where I ask my kiddos how they are and repeat exactly what they say. Don't try to think- oh that sounds hard- just repeat- it sounds like you are thinking about dad.
WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.

My daughter told her friend that her dad died on the way to come visit her. Part of me thinks I should tell her how he really died. I practiced with my therapist.
The memories of everyone change over time. When we tell each other they are altered. I'm tired of being a single mom today.

Mormon Gays and Baptism for Children

The LDS Church announced that children of parents in a same sex marriage wouldn’t be allowed to be baptized this week. It’s mandatory that you take disciplinary action. That seems intense. Did you know clergy doesn’t have to report child abuse? I also learned that this week and it makes me crazy upset. Counselors have to report if you are an active danger. Maybe. Religion is such a sticky area. I saw one post the first day and I didn’t really read the article because I didn’t want to look at it.

Then my Facebook exploded. You will be happy to know that there are gay people on both sides and Mormons and Ex Mormons that care and ones that don’t care. The whole thing makes me feel like a coward. Because if you question anything you aren’t following a prophet and if you sit still you are saying you agree with it. So maybe I should follow my sister and avoid Facebook for a few weeks.

Pretty much no matter what you are an asshole. I haven’t left the church and I openly have some concerns and I don’t agree with this so I’m pretty much in that in between place where no matter what, I’m an asshole. I secretly think most people are in between. Even if you say you are sure of yourself you might just need to feel in control. I think most of us rely on our cognitive inertia to get through life. I heard the news and you know what I did? Nothing I have a head cold. I put the issue aside because there’s not really anything to say. Except wow- I do NOT like conflict. It’s hard for me to to see all the pain here. It’s hard to be in Utah with all the people and the high emotional level I wish it was easier for me to be on one side or the other. It’s like when we ignore things in our lives we can’t solve to be able to function. I get angry at people that have behaviors that hurt me that they choose not to resolve but I’m sure I have my own.

I’ve been working on not getting stuck by things I can’t resolve. LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS NOT MY FAVORITE.

So I’m sorry to all my friends who have posted that ones article that I can’t post the articles that this is love. I’m sorry my gay friends that I didn’t post a helpful link to a phone number. I’m sorry my ex Mormon friends that I’m still here. And I’m sorry my non Mormon friends that I’m posting about it at all.

I don’t really think there is any excuse for personal apologetics. I also don’t think there is any true neutrality. The church isn’t fair. I’ve known men that raped someone and had no repercussions. I think that’s why so many people don’t report. Inaction seems to be my mode of coping.  I think that’s why a lot of us just sit here confused about what is going on.  I just unsubscribe from friends that share things I can’t handle and go on with my kids to the gym for my morning workout. I was like -wow my daughter just got baptized. 

There is no peace here. 

I wish I knew what to say. Or do. Until then please don't forget those of us who feel stuck somewhere floating in the middle.

Baptism

My daughter got baptized yesterday. In the same dress that I got baptized in when I was 8 and my mom got baptized in when she was 8. She became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was proud of her for when she wanted to wait and also a little heartbroken. When she first turned 8 she said she wanted to wait until her dad could be there. Then she said she wanted him to do it. Then she didn't want to after he died. Then one day she asked me why she wasn't baptized yet.

Sometimes I want to tell my daughter that a lot of men in the church won't treat her like a person. I want to tell her that people are more important than any church. That God is the important one.

Sometimes I want to take it all back and somehow let her dad baptize her. Another boy got baptized that day. The other mom was remarried and the dad still baptized him. I was a little jealous. Every now and then I get jealous when people say they are fighting with their ex. That means their kids have two parents. I understand that some parents do a lot of harm but really it's better for kids to have two parents. I used to worry about taking out the trash and putting your laundry in the bin and now it just seems so stupid to worry about that stuff.

Sometimes I guess some of the guys I have met will lie about how worthy they are and baptize their daughters or go through lip service to pretend they care. I wonder if John would have done that. He told me he lied about how he felt about the church for years to make me happy.

I wonder if it matters.

My friend came to the baptism and asked me how I was doing and I started crying. I don't handle feelings super well. I just wanted a happy family for my kids. I don't care if I was divorced I just wanted my kids to have a good dad. It's weird how when you are younger some of the things you want to give your kids are things you can't actually choose or control. Why didn't I care more about them having a good mom or a happy mom or something I could actually work towards?

I want to give her the hope that I felt when I was 8 that I don't always feel now. I'm tired of people yelling at me to feel it.

They wrote letters to the kids that day and I was helping her get dressed so I didn't get to write her a letter. I think I would tell her this:

To my daughter on her baptism day;

I'm remember the day I got baptized and how worried I was that I would make a mistake. I remember really wanting to follow God. I remember being so proud and happy and feeling so amazed. I remember all the talks. I am so glad you got to talk to your cousins about their baptisms and it is something you share.
As I've gone through life the sharing has become more important. I realized on my mission how people had basic needs for shelter and friendship that trumped their religious ideals. I realized I just wanted people who were kind to me sometimes not people who were exactly perfect. May you provide kindness to the people you meet.
I still believe in God. When he tells you to do something don't ignore it. Some people say trust your intuition- some call it a still small voice. For others those three things are distinct. There have been times I have followed it and times I've ignored it. I regret the times I chose what I wanted over what God told me. That's different than what other people have told me I should do. I hope you can grow to know the difference and trust him even when you don't know why or it breaks your heart in half. You always ask about why I got divorced and I always say I won't ever tell you but I will tell you this- when it was happening I begged God to let it all work out. I got an answer and it was this.
"is this what you want to live with."
"No."
I couldn't live with it.
I wanted him to change the situation and the people and he only asked me if I really wanted what I was asking for.
I didn't realize what I was asking for.
I think that's how prayer works sometimes- it's not a huge answer it's God just repeating back what we said and then we realize that we didn't exactly want what we asked- we wanted what we had to change into something it's not. One of my friends told me once that I should tell God about all my frustrations "because he can take it." One of the most intriguing things I've ever heard. There are a lot of people I know who I'm sure have needed to yell at God. He can take it. Sometimes what has happened for me was just the realization about what I was asking or angry about. Sometimes things have changed. Sometimes I felt like God was sorry. I hope you never have to understand that feeling. The Shrug. I know you will and you won't understand what I mean until you've experienced it.
All we ever wanted for you was a hope in the world. I used to think I knew everything. Then I knew nothing. Then I realized maybe that's what faith was. A stillness in uncertainty. We won't know what will happen in our future or after this life. That uncertainty has to be enough. In one of the talks they quoted Alice in Wonderland.

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: ...So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

They said that when you are a member of this church you know where you are going. In a way that is true. There are clear goals and a clear picture of  Christ and what we can accomplish. But it is also false, like my prayer to have my family that I wanted. I think when this life is over many of us will look back and want something we didn't really want. Do you really want to be married? Do you really want to respect your partners if it means you have fewer than you want? Do you really want to have as many children as others will want you to have? Do you want to hide from what you are and what you choose?

Listen to the stillness. You will not always want what you are asking for. The path will not always be clear but that is part of it. They are lying when they say you will always have a direction. There will be times when the direction you thought was so clear will be impossible. There will be times when you pick a new direction. There will be times when your choices reveal your directional claims as the falsehood they are.

May you learn to stop walking and let those times be part of your journey. There is nothing wrong with listening to the silence. 

I still remember my prayer as an 8 year old that I wanted to go back to the heaven everyone talked about. I wanted to be back in a perfect place and this whole idea of "enduring to the end" sounded SO  HARD. I'm still here and I've realized that the idea that we chose to be here and every day continue choosing life is beautiful. It's harder than I thought it would be and I've been way less perfect than I thought the Holy Ghost would help me be. People are uglier than I thought was possible. Not everyone wants to do good to other people and I'm glad you do. Your dad didn't want to be here anymore. Sometimes I feel like it is too much but I'm still choosing to be here with you. I hope you always choose to be here.

This is not the hope I chose for you- I wanted a clear picture with happiness and a clear answer about the path of life I wanted. This is not the family I wanted for my kids. 

I never realized how much pain other people would cause and how fiercely I want to give you a better life and how I know you will have more pain than anyone should have because I've had that. There will not always be a shiny hope at the end and there will be times when you will be jealous of the people who seem to say their path is always clear. The beauty is not in knowing where you want to go. 

The beauty is in the silence when God has asked you 

"Is this what you want." 

"No."

 My life has shattered in a million pieces and I'm not put back together again. May you always be enough, even when you are broken. 

I'm scared for you. I'm also so proud of you and happy for what you will see.

The way is more beautiful than I ever hoped for.

love,

mom.

I hope she is able to pass the dress to her daughter if she wants to. I hope she has an easier path than I've had. I hope she can find softness and kindness in her journey.